Facade

I had a solid meltdown in work.

I haven't told my parents yet but they are my main readers so, hi mom and dad, guess what happened in work!

I make no secret of my mental health, it's been something people try to stigmatise but with Prince William being an advocate for awareness and acceptance, I feel attitudes are shifting.

I guess it's been building. The last month was spent putting myself under huge pressure to pass a work funded course, mainly because it's important but also because if work are paying it's doubly important that I don't fail AND don't show up my workplace (it was out of state with a partner company so I was alone too, but the fellow students where amazingly supportive and friendly, reasoning that they too had once been the "out of state candidate". Soft skill learnt: include the outsider ). The course was so tough they sent candidates home on the first day and told them it wasn't for them. My company had invested huge amounts of time and resources in me to do this course. Fortunatly for me I passed.

My partner came with me, but we discovered too late the hotel is dog friendly so she went to family. I mean, my partner is my rock and support network but having a furry copilot who gets excited over cheese (like, who doesn't?!) is always lovely.

My partner went on holiday the day after the course. She works hard and our shifts conflicted so she went with her mother. I'm at this point looking at a busy work week, so the furry little copilot is going to have to stay with family while I work.

They say that money issues impact mental health and due to change of jobs ten (!) months ago, I'm trying to live a 30k lifestyle on 20k. I'm not poor but I've had to dig out emergency funds because I had more month at the end of my money, and not May, I mean June's paycheck is gone before the end of May.

More importantly, it was my mothers 30th anniversary on Sunday. They say time heals all wounds and I say fck that. It took me harder than I thought, my partner took the one photo I have of her and got a key chain and an enlarged copy made, so I can bring her with me when I go out. I spent Sunday with in-laws and the doggo.

Caseload in work has been routine and Wednesday was no different except I found the paperwork lacking, the materials damaged and no effort made by the previous shift to do basic inventory checks.  Apparently I was being curt with colleagues, forgetting my manners and being irritable. As the shift progressed, I got more frustrated.

I stimm by rubbing the back of my head, increasing in severity and intensity to relieve stress. When that's not working, I'll escalate to punching myself in the back of my head. I've still got a lump and tender patch two days later.

My manager is mental health first aid trained and she calmly explained to my colleagues what was happening and how it would play out. She reorientated me to tasks, stripping away any other issues. She involved our manager, I'm man enough to say i cried to her, who released me from work, pushed an occupational health referral for support. I contacted my own head doc but she's not available until next week.

So I have a week off. I'm going to see my parents. My bestie built me a spreadsheet for household finances. I'm going home for a few days to see friends, family and be away for a bit.

I think a good reflection, apart from the fact that I was clearly fragile and I need to do more for my mental health (I believe I should be the stoic one who just gets on with work, no matter how bad it is, whereas maybe I should have more me time, which is why I don't do over time), it's how difficult it can be for high functioning autisic people in every day life. I come off as a normal, I've got language, basic literacy skills, relationships, friends (squints at friends), can manage a house (squints at dishes in sink). I think it's a surprise to me (and others) when everything slips and I have, what I imagine looks a violent, meltdown. It's easy to forget I have ASD, and when my colleague began listing the paranoia, anxiety, confusion, head fog, I told her to get out of my head. An overload meltdown is rare but it was a scary enough experience.

Always round up on a positive. There's a job that uses the course I just completed and I need to apply. I'll work on that after the weekend.

Until next time, take care and be awesome to each other.

Update: not even published and I've an update. Work support rang to ensure I was OK, complimented my strategy and support network and told me to call them next week to see if there's even more they can do. How awesome is that?

Mini freak outs

So, I may have previously said I don't suffer meltdowns as they are typically pictured that aspies have, generally over what might be seen as minor or insignificant things. Turns out, I might have been lying about that without realising it, which makes it a lie of omission and as we all know the sin of omission isn't the worst (*nods vigorously*).

I had what I consider in hindsight to be a well controlled melt down in work. In the most basic sense I lost my temper when another department decided to do something out of order (as in list order) and didn't warn me. I had dutifully walked down to the other department to finalise some business and found that the paperwork in question was now on my desk, delaying me and knocking my tight schedule. I may have at this point felt the fire I usually get in my arms and legs when I feel my choler rising, kept back up the stairs two at a time, and enjoyed a half hours tunnel visit and gritted teethed grumbling. 

I can cope with changes to orders, I generally anticipate change and try to take the long view but some times, occasionally, I won't be given a quick heads up when there's a change (how hard is it to give two minutes notice?) and it messes with my hour plan. In that I need to adapt and change, something I consider myself fairly decent at, but for five minutes it is best to let me reorder my head and not try to interrupt my new game plan.

This realisation explains a number of things. It explains why yesterday I had an attack of creeping paranoia, why I felt drained after work, and why I ended up coming home and sleeping the afternoon away (the fact that I've had a sleepless night has nothing to do with that, I'm sure). I also clearly didn't reorder my head properly as work called me back to complete a task I had left. Walked back to work and sorted that (fortunately I hadn't taken my legs off, so it wasn't hassle). 

I think that every day is a lesson, whether you realise it or not. Lesson from today is one I should learn repeatedly, and that is to double check my work before going off shift. I isn't always easy, one of the girls hugged me before she left and said I looked grumpy, which is fair as I was annoyed at myself for snapping at a member of the afternoon team. I did apologise and the girls are understanding. Double checking can be a pain but it means that if my head is not fully ordered, I am at least ensuring that nothing is missed, even if it takes a little longer to get away.

My final realisation is something I really hadn't thought about. I ran up stairs in my new legs. I took two steps at a time even, without thinking, tripping or falling. Ok, so I was out of puff after two flights but still. At the moment I'm about as graceful as a baby deer on ice going down stairs, with handrails being the greatest invention ever and until to day I felt like a Dalek approaching stairs when ascending was required (yeah yeah, convenient plot device, they can fly now), with plenty of tripping and swearing (quietly).

I guess you lean something new every day.....