Facade

I had a solid meltdown in work.

I haven't told my parents yet but they are my main readers so, hi mom and dad, guess what happened in work!

I make no secret of my mental health, it's been something people try to stigmatise but with Prince William being an advocate for awareness and acceptance, I feel attitudes are shifting.

I guess it's been building. The last month was spent putting myself under huge pressure to pass a work funded course, mainly because it's important but also because if work are paying it's doubly important that I don't fail AND don't show up my workplace (it was out of state with a partner company so I was alone too, but the fellow students where amazingly supportive and friendly, reasoning that they too had once been the "out of state candidate". Soft skill learnt: include the outsider ). The course was so tough they sent candidates home on the first day and told them it wasn't for them. My company had invested huge amounts of time and resources in me to do this course. Fortunatly for me I passed.

My partner came with me, but we discovered too late the hotel is dog friendly so she went to family. I mean, my partner is my rock and support network but having a furry copilot who gets excited over cheese (like, who doesn't?!) is always lovely.

My partner went on holiday the day after the course. She works hard and our shifts conflicted so she went with her mother. I'm at this point looking at a busy work week, so the furry little copilot is going to have to stay with family while I work.

They say that money issues impact mental health and due to change of jobs ten (!) months ago, I'm trying to live a 30k lifestyle on 20k. I'm not poor but I've had to dig out emergency funds because I had more month at the end of my money, and not May, I mean June's paycheck is gone before the end of May.

More importantly, it was my mothers 30th anniversary on Sunday. They say time heals all wounds and I say fck that. It took me harder than I thought, my partner took the one photo I have of her and got a key chain and an enlarged copy made, so I can bring her with me when I go out. I spent Sunday with in-laws and the doggo.

Caseload in work has been routine and Wednesday was no different except I found the paperwork lacking, the materials damaged and no effort made by the previous shift to do basic inventory checks.  Apparently I was being curt with colleagues, forgetting my manners and being irritable. As the shift progressed, I got more frustrated.

I stimm by rubbing the back of my head, increasing in severity and intensity to relieve stress. When that's not working, I'll escalate to punching myself in the back of my head. I've still got a lump and tender patch two days later.

My manager is mental health first aid trained and she calmly explained to my colleagues what was happening and how it would play out. She reorientated me to tasks, stripping away any other issues. She involved our manager, I'm man enough to say i cried to her, who released me from work, pushed an occupational health referral for support. I contacted my own head doc but she's not available until next week.

So I have a week off. I'm going to see my parents. My bestie built me a spreadsheet for household finances. I'm going home for a few days to see friends, family and be away for a bit.

I think a good reflection, apart from the fact that I was clearly fragile and I need to do more for my mental health (I believe I should be the stoic one who just gets on with work, no matter how bad it is, whereas maybe I should have more me time, which is why I don't do over time), it's how difficult it can be for high functioning autisic people in every day life. I come off as a normal, I've got language, basic literacy skills, relationships, friends (squints at friends), can manage a house (squints at dishes in sink). I think it's a surprise to me (and others) when everything slips and I have, what I imagine looks a violent, meltdown. It's easy to forget I have ASD, and when my colleague began listing the paranoia, anxiety, confusion, head fog, I told her to get out of my head. An overload meltdown is rare but it was a scary enough experience.

Always round up on a positive. There's a job that uses the course I just completed and I need to apply. I'll work on that after the weekend.

Until next time, take care and be awesome to each other.

Update: not even published and I've an update. Work support rang to ensure I was OK, complimented my strategy and support network and told me to call them next week to see if there's even more they can do. How awesome is that?

No post this week

So, unless you follow me on Facebook or Twitter (hint, hint, click click), you'll be surprised there's no full post this week.

Why? 

Because I'm a fat lazy sod who decided he liked the blog the way it were and don't need no fancy new regimen to boost credibility or help people......

Obviously.

It's more that the new job has loaded a whole load of training and education into my time table and I am determined and obligated to complete that training in a timely manner and it will give me a good basis for productive work. 

I take longer to complete reading and comprehension tasks, like reading policies or doing self directed online learning. Although half the time I think it is simple bone idleness on my part, I do take more frequent breaks and I find more diversion tactics that are synonymous with dyslexia (while it's being mentioned, why is dyslexia so hard to spell?). I'm the worlds greatest avoider of paperwork and book learning. 

It's a common tactic for dyslexics, to find something that either delays having to do a task until it's too late or something that replaces that task. I did it in school like nobodies business, telling convoluted stories or chattering mindlessly to delay written and reading work. 

Work have given me two weeks to do all the work, so I'm in very good hands.

To add to this, I have not discussed the blog with management or given them details and while it's not a work blog, work as you know features heavily, because it's the activity I do the most. There's nothing saying I have to tell work, but to misquote something I read recently: dance like no one is watching but blog like it's going to be read out in a court. For this reason alone, I want management on board, at least tangentially, before I write about the (amazing) support.

Moving on:

The 2nd of April is autism awareness day, so let's talk about that.....

It's old, but lighting up blue is seen as supportive for people with Autism, however Autism Speaks has been attacked as oppressive. I'm including links because I have not had first hand  experience of Autism speaks, mainly because they are American.


In the UK there's a number of charities, and instead of listing them all here, I'm going to add them in as widgets to the site, that way they are easy access.

To any of my international audience, Google is your friend.

Anyway, happy Autism week!

Ongoing support

So, like always, I'm typing this at 23:46 (Greenwich mean time, HELLO AMERICA!), and am clearly not smart enough to come up with a deep thoughtful post about the philosophical insights into having a brain that's been wired like a blind electrician with Parkinson's fuse box.

This might be a two part post, I don't know, but I'm hoping to stretch it out like pair of worn tight wights, mainly because I'm projecting a bit into the future (next month to be exact).

If you have been paying attention, and I'll forgive you if you haven't, what with this blogs complete reliability and regular posting, I have recently moved jobs. OK, not entirely, because I'm working my notice, but anyway there's a new job on the horizon. This has been met with mixed reactions from: "But the current job is great, how can you give up such a great thing!" to "Yes, new opportunities are worth moving for." Both of these are understandable for people who know how hard it can be for the disabled to hold a job (trust me, disability is NO OBSTACLE to employment, or even running ones own business), but also know that we need to grow and develop to find our true potential (and become masters of the universe or something, I never finished the Aspergers for beginners book).

Back after London (and I'm totally calling my tell all book that, after my Patreon takes off, hint hint), I had plenty of support to get into work. My own Aspie Nurse came into my then job and gave them some helpful pointers (or gave me a helpful pointer: run and don't look back), two Occupational therapists sat me down and gave me some advice (short shifts and good management) and always said they where contactable if required. Fortunately, my current job was hugely supportive and no further external support was required. I put huge store in understanding management and actually busting your own backside at being good and meeting people halfway and not talking for hours about toy soldiers.

Anyway, the new job had occupational health ring me (after I filled in another form, and tacked on another sheet cos those boxes are always too small) and they want to see me before I start so we can slide in support if required. This hugely endears me to both the job and the management because this shows they care and are willing to work with me. It also means that if they decide I need support, I can contact external support and swing "reasonable adjustments" into place.

And this is why it's a two part post, I have yet to meet the Occupational Health team. So will update.

yes, I know I've changed the Aspie spelling, frankly I don't care.

For sarcastic Tweets and articles check out Facebook and Twitter. I will figure out how to put these in a side bar soon enough.....

My obsession.

The most popular Aspie trait that gets showcased by TV and the recent Movie, The Accountant (which I will not be reviewing thanks, ) is that to make up for the social awkwardness, crippling inability to interact and occasional difficulty finding and keeping gainful employment, all Aspies have a specialised hobby or trait. This can either be something that makes the audience put their hands up and yell "quirky!" or it can be a hyper-analytical mind that can dissect any problem and find an out of the box solution. I guess it gives NT types a warm fuzzy feeling that even though these weird people walk among us, at least they have their uses for society or can be relatable as the one kid in class who thought the history of the penny from 1974 to 1982 was important.

Sadly, idiot savant and Aspie don't over lap as much as we'd all like. Many Aspies are just regular humans with a different brain make up. Ask any one legged dog if different equals better and they will tell you no, although most dogs don't care as long as there's kibble and bits and maybe a post man to bark at, I don't know, having never been a dog and only occasionally enjoying the company of dogs, and post men. This means that more often than not, social anxiety is not cancelled out by some great ability to count cards or meld with technology.

So, aside from trains (OK, not that deeply but come one, technology) and toy soldiers, what do I obsess about? Money. Or change more exactly, and what I can do with it (buy more toy soldiers!!). Or you know, put it into savings. It's watching my savings grow, in multiple accounts, and seeing how much I can get before the money needs to be spent. It's reached the level that its hard to release the money for stuff I need, like dental work (you're welcome)or buying  a car. You know, stuff I might actually benefit from owning. So, when people say I am a contributing member of society, yeah, the building society.

This should then translate into a need to gain said money through any means necessary, right? (this is called foreshadowing kids, so NO ONE can complain when I start doing Patreon or putting ads on my blog). Well no, because money is nice but trade offs are required. Could I work a full month with no days off? Yes, but by the end of it "offensively aspie" is redundant. Could I be working in a job that pays £50K+ a year? Maybe, but I lack the imagination to know what kind of job makes that money or how to get into it (trading stocks, the hell?). Can I ask for it in job interview? Maybe, but there is nothing more off putting than someone in interview demanding money or a raise on the basic offer. Knowing how hard work is to gain for Aspies, I'm mindful that while I can change my lott in life, maybe accepting the things I can't change immediately is a good plan. You may have guessed I'm currently being interviewed for a new job and this topic has resurfaced while dealing with my new employers (I stay stum about money, it's nice to have, but not a factor in getting or keeping a job).

I also love my tech. My Lord, technology. If I don't have at least two gizmo's on the go at once, I'm either sick or asleep (or driving, let's be reasonable here). But that's for another post.......


Check out some other stuff fo distract you from work: Facebook, Twitter, Patreon (made you look)

beyond offensive

So, this post did open with a joke about having no prep, and not keeping notes and how I was winging it. Yeah, well, I had just finished the saga the post became and BAM! the app died and lost my entire thing. I won't lie, there was am iPad smashing melt down and I needed a few hours to distract myself. I will try to remember the original content as much as possible but all that springs to mind is some cheap Donald Trump jokes (don't worry, after his treatment of the disabled, they're staying).

Anyway:

Four times a year I work on a camp site. It's a lot of fun, but it also involves long long days, mostly starting at about nine am (or sunrise, if there's a problem) and running right through to about three am. It can be hours of dullness that needs to be filled with self provided entertainment (mostly in the form of taking the piss out of colleagues and eating), interspersed with various odd jobs. It can be stressful, as issues arise and I resist slapping people (its not "customer friendly" apparently), but it is hours of fun. As you might imagine, this can create an environment where Aspy traits can be exacerbated, and expressed in a slightly less than ideal situations, as tiredness and stress are major factors in loss of control.

The boss, Bee, is a skilled people person and has a good knowledge of any and all of my conditions. She often spots the beginnings of melt down, or the effect of tiredness on my ability to interact with customers, and provide a level headed response (without the aforementioned slapping). In these instances, she knows I need to be relieved and sent to my tent for a good nights sleep (I'll be in my bunk is said more times in a day than I care to count, usually to something repulsive). She has come up with a name for this situation, my deterioration and increased need to get away from social situations. That phrase?

"Offensively Aspy"

Hold! Stop. No, do not jump to comments to tell me a blog I've set up to spread awareness about Cerebral Palsy Aspergers is using something you find upsetting. Communication in Aspergers is vital, as many Aspys miss social cues, detest sarcasm and simply can't read between the lines. (I've blogged about communication here). The phrase "offensively Aspy" is a fast, effective, short hand to sum up my current behaviour and is an easy instruction to both myself and the team for what has to happen next (I get to go eat and go to bed). I am, obviously, unaware that things are going badly, so a quick verbal cue gets me out before something goes really wrong and there's fences to mend (or ignore in grumpy ways).

So what happens when I hit peak traits? When there's no Bee to tell me to get to bed? I go completely non-verbal. Total silence. It's as if my jaw clamps shut, the nerves refuse to work and my voice box packs it in. At the same time, my internal voice ramps it up to eleven. I swear its Donald Trump acting like a lobotomised gorilla at a rally (OK, so acting like himself), loud enough for the person next to me to hear it. It's like my own boom box, and it goes right up my nose, because it says everything I wish I could verbalise. Last time it happened, my local shop worker commented that I always put food in for the Food Bank and how sweet I am for it. I COULDN'T PHYSICALLY THANK HER, so I smiled (and thanked her a few days later). I can guess this is how it feels to be non-verbal all the time, and as part of that I find texting valuable (have yet to text anyone "help I can't talk"). It's a basic coping mechanism used in non-verbal but because I have high functioning Aspergers, my verbal skills are generally good (I pass my sarcasm off as dry wit and the British eat it up). It also only lasts until after I've slept, so it's clearly a transient phenomenon (someone told me big words make me look clever).

So, thoughts to ponder.  In silence......

Please follow on Facebook (The Aspy Journey reloaded) and Twitter (@TheAspyJourneyReload) for articles, news, updates about my inability to get the name of the blof right, and stuff.

Yes, I know i said Sunday, but after last weeks schedule issue, I'm putting it up now.....

  

New Cracked.com article

So, I've been reading Cracked articles since about five minutes after I discovered the internet. My friend Charlie sent me a link I'm sure he intended to freak me out with and I simply got engrossed. I love list articles (which I'm sure I've mentioned before, like Listverse).

Their newest list article is about living with Autism. I find it really relatable, except for the sarcasm bit because I use sarcasm regularly to prevent me actually saying nasty things in a nasty fashion. A friend I used to work with said her son hated sarcasm because he really didn't understand it, and I can see why. I often find real praise hard to understand because I can never tell if someone is being genuine or not. 

I suppose I do fall into the charming but not tactful type Hollywood loves, and looking at some of the stats posted about non verbal and low IQ people with autism it is obvious why Hollywood skips the reality and goes for the sugar coated 1%, the ones who seem adorable or sweet in their obsessions and hobbies and can control their screaming melt downs. No one wants to have a comedy or drama ruined by a faeces eating screaming human that many would associate with a horror flick. I guess its hard to portray a rounded character who, without good insight, many " regular people" would find distasteful. Many people with Autism disorder are more difficult to engage with and to build meaningful relationships. They take a more nuanced approach, more unorthodox approach and can have little positive results in return. Often their hobbies and interests aren't the inner workings of speakers, or something that others would consider at least a contribution to humanity, like astrophysics, but more like sheep or colours. 

Even those of us who are higher on the spectrum can have impenetrable hobbies, interests and social lives. With the creation of the internet, nerdom has become cool, mainstream and accepted, at least in the portrayal of Anime, Games conventions and even LARP. On the surface, people now readily accept that Dungeons and Dragons is a game to be enjoyed by all, but when complex math gets involved and we're rolling twenty sided dice and making jokes about 'TEH' (a common internet misspelling of the) it quickly alienates people. If you start waxing lyrical about your level 20 Mage with +69 staff of penetration at a dinner table, you're more likely to get condescending comments. No one needs to know the entire back story to Mrs Marvel, thank you......

The article touches nicely on emotion. I suppose I don't feel much emotion, possibly because I do bottle up what I feel or because, as my partner is currently stipulating, I'm a sociopath (more on that in another post). I do however, get angry. Screaming melt down angry. If the late, rediculously great Sir Terry Pratchett taught me anything (and who didn't learn that Luguage with legs is hilariously funny), it is that anger can be turned into greatness fuel. Stoke your fire with anger and anything is achievable, be it Sir Terry's anger at being told by teachers he'd never write well enough to get published or my own anger engine when I'm told I will never amount to anything. A screaming anger fit can be turned nicely into an hour of rapid productivity. I know that is only me, but still.

As for an autism charity, I've never fulled engaged with the UK one. I guess I don't need their support that much and they have their hands and rescources full trying to help and support those who do need it, so I can't comment on whether or not they view it as a disease to be cured. I know from my own interactions with healthcare there is certainly a focus on helping aspies control more outlandish parts of themselves, as least in public, so that we can fit in. While it might sound a bit eom goth, I think fitting in may not always be what's needed, but it certainly helps streamline the everyday activities of living.

The one thing on the list I haven't touched on is work, because this entire blog seems to stray back to that topic regularly and we don't need to hear more about it now.....

Be safe.