Let's play catch up

Last post was two years ago, in April 2017.

Time flies when you're experiencing change I guess. A lot has happened and the blog fell by the way side (even with it's own regularly viewed FaceBook page) and  it just felt like I was in control of my disabilities and a blog with no insightful content isn't exciting, it's dull and samey.

Funny what depression and anxiety can do. See! New diagnosis to add to the blog! Disability never changes, but apparently it does and I should really blog about it, if not for anyone else's benefit then it least my own ("feeling fine" on a typewriter kind of thing).

A blog I read years ago had an entire thread about it being therapy, to be able to talk into the void. Well guess where I'm going with this?

Oh, and a teaser intro post to re introduce my blog while I write a catch up "previously on the Aspy Journey"?

You're welcome.

Only joking.

Two year update:

•I've moved jobs, much happier with great support.
•I've started seeing a therapist who's diagnosed me with anxiety, depression and CPTSD (yes, these will be future topics)
•I'm in a new relationship and a new town.

All caught up? Good. See you next week.

My obsession.

The most popular Aspie trait that gets showcased by TV and the recent Movie, The Accountant (which I will not be reviewing thanks, ) is that to make up for the social awkwardness, crippling inability to interact and occasional difficulty finding and keeping gainful employment, all Aspies have a specialised hobby or trait. This can either be something that makes the audience put their hands up and yell "quirky!" or it can be a hyper-analytical mind that can dissect any problem and find an out of the box solution. I guess it gives NT types a warm fuzzy feeling that even though these weird people walk among us, at least they have their uses for society or can be relatable as the one kid in class who thought the history of the penny from 1974 to 1982 was important.

Sadly, idiot savant and Aspie don't over lap as much as we'd all like. Many Aspies are just regular humans with a different brain make up. Ask any one legged dog if different equals better and they will tell you no, although most dogs don't care as long as there's kibble and bits and maybe a post man to bark at, I don't know, having never been a dog and only occasionally enjoying the company of dogs, and post men. This means that more often than not, social anxiety is not cancelled out by some great ability to count cards or meld with technology.

So, aside from trains (OK, not that deeply but come one, technology) and toy soldiers, what do I obsess about? Money. Or change more exactly, and what I can do with it (buy more toy soldiers!!). Or you know, put it into savings. It's watching my savings grow, in multiple accounts, and seeing how much I can get before the money needs to be spent. It's reached the level that its hard to release the money for stuff I need, like dental work (you're welcome)or buying  a car. You know, stuff I might actually benefit from owning. So, when people say I am a contributing member of society, yeah, the building society.

This should then translate into a need to gain said money through any means necessary, right? (this is called foreshadowing kids, so NO ONE can complain when I start doing Patreon or putting ads on my blog). Well no, because money is nice but trade offs are required. Could I work a full month with no days off? Yes, but by the end of it "offensively aspie" is redundant. Could I be working in a job that pays £50K+ a year? Maybe, but I lack the imagination to know what kind of job makes that money or how to get into it (trading stocks, the hell?). Can I ask for it in job interview? Maybe, but there is nothing more off putting than someone in interview demanding money or a raise on the basic offer. Knowing how hard work is to gain for Aspies, I'm mindful that while I can change my lott in life, maybe accepting the things I can't change immediately is a good plan. You may have guessed I'm currently being interviewed for a new job and this topic has resurfaced while dealing with my new employers (I stay stum about money, it's nice to have, but not a factor in getting or keeping a job).

I also love my tech. My Lord, technology. If I don't have at least two gizmo's on the go at once, I'm either sick or asleep (or driving, let's be reasonable here). But that's for another post.......


Check out some other stuff fo distract you from work: Facebook, Twitter, Patreon (made you look)

The Sociopath in Me

Quick note before I get into this topic, the blog will be changing as I go on, both in style, added whidges and content. If you follow my Twitter and Facebook (Plug, Plug), you'll already know that I wish to include more political posts as well as my own journey (there's only so much I can wax about my feet after all and on reflection I wouldn't be surprised if some people are thinking this is a foot fetish blog, and if there's one thing you never want is a fetish about MY feet). The reasons for more political posts are, you know, Trump and Brexit. I am a left leaning humanist, so if you don't like refugees and the EU and all that hippy consciousness then I suggest you skip these posts (I'll try to make to title obvious).

It is well documented that Aspergers and Sociopath are almost opposite in traits and have very little in common. However, this does not mean that parts don't over lap, or at least they don't in me. I have a well developed charm (it's the oIrish, I swear) and a fairly decent sense of humour. I only know these because I use them in work, or dating, or you know interacting with humanity. It's fairly clear from my blogging that I have no problem attracting girlfriends (the one I suggested I write the blog, the next one who distracted me from the blog and the current one, who's lost about the whole idea of blogging, three may not be a high score but I'm not studly macmuffin), but keeping them involves slightly more complex skills.

In my report, it states I can grasp the concept of a friend, but am unable to run the mechanics of friendship (you feed them and let them watch TV right?). The same, I at least believe, would apply to girlfriends (you feed them and let them mind your credit cards, right?). I'm like a toddler, I can be charming and sweet, but I'll lose interest once I have what I want, the precocious little scamp that I am. It has led at least one girlfriend call me a sociopath for being heartless and cold. It's not that I'm eaither of those, I just don't have the skills to build a relationship and do all those little things that make a relationship. Yeah, yeah typical man, insert woman not coming with a manual mysogonist joke here. Relationships take a whole load of little things, like friendship (so I'm told by numerous cutsey items in my local novelty gift shop), and it is doing those little things that I find hard without reminders, because that's not stereotypically male at all.

So, how does this superficial charm come in handy? Well, work. A bit of a charm offensives on customers does no harm at all but it also means that during inspections or any promotional work, the disabled worker can be trotted out and showcased as diversity in the workplace. My old manager used to joke that if I told everyone I was gay, it'd tick all the boxes and, I dunno, boost the company's image to the world, win us that all important award of the modern world: equal employment.  It gets a solid laugh in the office, even if it is cheap humour.

During inspections season I get brought out like a pinstriped dairy cow that makes chocolate milkshakes. I'm being superficial for laughs but I can't help but feel that I'm a boon to the company in diversity figures alone. The fact that I'm articulate and high functioning (go watch the video I shared to Facebook about that, it's funny because it's true) inspectors engage with me and think it's really nice the disabled employee is getting on so well. Of course they don't see the hours of work, the slog it has taken to get to this point, and I mostly forget the slog because I need space in my head for Simpsons quotes and D&D trivia (not that I've ever played a game, I'm not that lowbrow). Having a decent, if sarcastic sense of humour helps too, and like I said last week, British people are good at the dry wit stuff.

Going back to the girlfriend side, it's not that I'm heartless, it's that I don't feel love, or at least the jumble of confused emotions are unfamiliar to me and I am constantly unsure if it is love or just really bad gas. I made the girlfriend cry last night because I genuinely explained that I do not feel love, but I can fake it to a fair degree. It must be hard to fall in love with someone who cannot love you back, or at least will always be unsure of their feelings. My previous relationships, since diagnosis, I have explained the issue early on and those that can live with the idea that "I love you" is code for you are the one I hate the least and feeds my Aspy.

I'm getting de ja vu writing this, so i'm sure it's a topic I've covered before, but given my dementia and forgetfulness, its not  a bad topic to cover and I'm sure this will be updated regularly as people give me insight into my behaviour and traits.

Sorry about the delay, but no one reads this stuff anyway (hello MOTHER, I know you do) so no ones put out.

Follow the Aspy Journey on Facebook and Twitter, where I post interesting articles and updates (and reasons for skiving).

Next week, textures........

Sensory seeking behaviour.

After that last gruesome post, something a little less graphic and more thoughtful this time around perhaps?

This blog will have a number of overarching themes (there will be a quiz at the end so pay attention). These will include (but are no means limited to): behaviour, coping mechanisms, side effects and meltdowns, personal achievements and failures, social interaction and medical changes (hopefully minimal and not interesting). As you might imagine, these will overlap and intertwine as nothing in life is simple and various posts might encompass many different themes or topics. With this in mind, I am going to try to break down certain behaviours into individual posts, just for clarity and to highlight some topics that affect me (with this in mind there may be some opinion pieces, don't worry Dave my Etonian chum, it may not be my remit to advocate for the "disabled community", as many have their own voices, but I will be commenting on the perceived persecution of the disabled).

The last post was very much a sensory seeking behaviour, and I want to follow on with a broader topic of sensory seeking. I don't remember who exactly suggested I have some form of sensory seeking behaviour and I have a sneeking suspicion it was a friend who working with the intellectually disabled rather than a professional diagnosis.

While I enjoy narrow pursuits, I also enjoy them to an extreme extent. I read various internet sites, although none constructive to do with work or with my disabilities. In fact to compose a post about the recent disability cutbacks and the bedroom tax, I am going have to do some research, not only because when I hulk out, I like to be the credible hulk, but because my only information comes from the occasional news story on my Facebook feed. I spend hours on various funny websites, or meme apps, as well as Facebook and Twitter, following what is essentially meaningless comments from people I hardly, or don't, know. Life on the internet is delightfully anonymous, I can comment on anything I like with at least a veneer of anonymity. People can comment on this blog anonymously, because I am a benevolent god, and I believe in freedom of expression and response. 

I spend hours online, and while it can be varied content, between videos from people I follow, or memes, or any social media site or games, it still tethers me to a device and a wifi signal. Blogging is probably an extension of this, and I find a world without wifi a little less rich. I haven't read a full book in about six months, as my time is eaten wholesale by vapid internet browsing. I used to be able to read four books at once, one in every room of the house but, while I still read four books, they take months to complete rather than weeks. This also means my backlog of books is ever growing, as I buy books constantly. In the last week I have had to put books down simply to stop the fill of books pouring into my limited space. It has been this way since before my diagnosis, and it has taken off and been fed by my access to always on fast speed direct to my door broadband and wifi that is prevalent. I can go to any public space, practically, and use a smartphone, tablet or laptop to access the information superhighway. I recently ditched my smartphone and bought a brick that's letting me relive my youth nicely, and I must admit, with the exception of a camera, I miss nothing. Gone is the constant need to browse and upload content. This, at least in part, proves I can break certain routines and behaviours, although I am more often than not logging onto wifi before I have sat down in a restaurant, or unpacked in a hotel, or made dinner at home. 

My internet browsing also impacts another interest (for the purposes of the test, it counts as an interest). My partner recently complained that I wasn't taking a romantic interest in her, devoting more time to the internet than to her. Surprisingly, she isn't my first partner to make this complaint. I have been "diagnosed" by an ex partner who did a sex addict quiz on my behalf and scored me firmly in the addicted section. Mind you, I also scored 28 on a narcissism test, and I only have Facebook, Twitter, a blog, and a full time game account linked to a community and a YouTube account (which I don't upload to), so these tests can be wrong. The sex addict quiz score may have some bearing on my life, as I do have more than the normal appetites. I need to remember my parents read this blog, so I need to word this paragraph tastefully. 

The internet keeps me up at night, constantly feeding information into my brain and I chase it with thirst  and excitement. I am constantly tired because I sit behind a screen constantly, even in bed, on the toilet, when cooking. I am currently watching a video steaming supine, texting and blogging. 

My thumb is certainly a sensory seeking behaviour, and even today it has begun to split again. This time it's bleeding and sore. 

This topic will crop up again, but for now, goodnight.

Also: hi to my readers in America, Germany and now China, welcome. To my closer readers in the Uk and Ireland, thanks for the support.

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Control

How do five days vanish into nothing and I find myself behind?

I want to talk about control.

It seems to be a common tread amongst Aspy and autism, that we enjoy control, be it of our environment, what we watch, what others are doing, how life runs.

I have developed all sort of control. I control situations by being subtle, by seeming timid, seeming charming, making others feel that I am the one who can get jobs done, by making people do things because I can show them the persona or attitude they want. I'm the good guy, solid boyfriend, totally loyal, thoughtful.

However, for anyone who's had a look behind the armour, I'm most likely not the nicest person ever. But I can control others using a persona that's required. Oh, and sarcasm.

Control does have intrusion in my life in other ways. I hate cinema, mainly because I can't turn if off or flip channels, I don't like other people showing me stuff to watch, as I get no control over that either. I love TV, because I can mess with that, I can turn it off, change it and generally choose what I want to watch.

This leads me to the Internet. I love watching clips on a popular tube type website (YOU work it out). The Internet not only feeds my control, but also my sensory seeking behaviour (more on that later) and I can claim its educational (it is, if you know where to look, or how to lie).

Selective pressures

Repeat after me: this is not a work blog, this is not a work blog, this is NOT a work blog.

Right, now that we have that out of the way, lets talk about work.

Aspies struggle in work, I have struggled in work, and there's some key things that I have discovered about managing in work.

Work, as much as it gets moaned about ("we wouldn't call it work if it where fun"), is an essential structure in life, and it forms a framework for me, at least. It gives me an abundance of human interaction, it gives me achievable goals and relatively easy tasks. I am incredibly lucky (repeatedly) that I do something I love, that I can manage, and that I find rewarding. Without work, what else would I do?

I've already discussed the idea of getting a support worker/nurse to speak to a manager, who can provide skills, insight and management techniques. It also gives the support worker a chance to get a feel for the work environment and the management team, giving them the ability to give tailored support and if needs must, tell the Aspie when it's time to find a new job (something I'll accept is tough for Aspies as it is).

The Internet loves lists, so here goes (on a side note, I hate slide show lists):

First rule: Be honest. "I have this difference, but these are my coping mechanisms, this are my behaviours, this is my support worker and this is what I do well." It's how I got my current job, I was brutally honest, and here I am more than a year later going for a promotion and have extra roles.

Second: As mentioned, bring in that support, ask for reasonable adjustments, whatever is required.

Thirdly: Try to gauge a good manager. This is tough, I know, but again this is where a support worker or nurse can do wonders. They will spot the managers who actually care, as opposed to those who want to just do the bare minimum and then wash their hands as someone struggles. I have repeatedly turned down jobs because the manager has come off wrong, or I didn't like the work environment. I have stated that money won't buy me, but a decent manager will.

Fourth: Find a job that encompasses a field of interest. It is repeated as major trait of Aspergers that we have a few special interests and social situations, and this is certainly true but that doesn't mean an aspy cannot do something they are gifted at. I've been told my speciality interest is women (Ladies) and the handling of social situations with them (read: flirting), but honestly my current job, and the current speciality certainly, is an interest of mine (I totally didn't buy the book for the next course before the course has been announced, I swear). This special interest become a TV trope of course, claiming we all have superpowers, but unless being able to nap anywhere is a superpower, I haven't got one. (Narcolepsy Man: STOP! or I'll zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz).

Five: Pick a specific area to work in. Yes this sounds obvious, but in my current field if I worked in a large workplace, with many departments or sections or offices with uncontrolled workload coming in I would not do as well as I am. By selecting the pressures, I am thriving, eliminating certain factors that may put me in a spin by picking a workplace that automatically eliminates those factors.

I am very sure this list isn't exhaustive, but right now I'm drawing a blank (I got distracted by TV).

I'll revisit it as soon as my brain starts working.


 

The Atheist Aspy

Wish I'd thought of that as my blog title. Oh well, too late now.

Straight into this minefield, because I'll annoy Aspys, Atheists and the religious community. Moments when I wish I was a penguin......

I was raised Roman Catholic, and many of my life references and touch stones, even still, revolve around this world view. I enjoy Christian holidays, I understand Western view points because in the majority the West is Christian, although this is changing (no I will not be dissecting the move of Islam into western culture, or the divide etc. I find Islam to be a very sensible religion. SHOCK an atheist said he finds religion sensible on the Internet, bring out the pitchforks).

Now, as many may know, RC isn't a religion one simply leaves. I don't mean a priest stands at the door with a gun and a Bible or that they ask you to return forms in triplicate with references from every teacher who ever had to suffer you as a student, signed in the blood of at least one martyr. RC just moves you in category from active to lapsed.

Now I'm sure there is an official way to leave, involving forms in triplicate and questions about what I was doing the third Sunday of May in 1997 at 16:45. Life appears a bit too short for these things, and I don't even fill in half the forms I should fill in (like job applications and birthday cards. Sorry Mum/Dad/random family), and it never hurts to have a back up plan (I cite Voltaire as my inspiration).
Slowly, like a flan in a cupboard, I've collapsed into Atheism. Not angry atheism, before anyone thinks I'm out to rip up Bibles and take a hammer to Churches. Just no real belief in anything organised about God. It has led to some insights and thoughts, and some very strange discussions.

I generally find that a live and let live policy works best, and an almost American Libertarian view of: 'you do what you want all you like, as long as it doesn't impact me.' Unfortunately American atheism and its current battles impact my views (thanks YouTube), but also inform my thoughts.

There is nothing wrong with believing in something that might (and could even plausibly) be true, like a God in general, or even a Christian God specifically, and i know many good people who's lives are shaped and informed by their beliefs. One of my favourite moments in the last year was discussing respect for others beliefs and the idea laid down in the American Constitution that freedom of religion means freedom from religion with a friend and despite the fact that she is a believer and I'm not particularly inclined, our world views and policy run along very similar lines.

So we come to the crux of my argument (because there is a lot of ground to cover, and one post won't cover it all, I'm not St Bridget with my magic cloak). I like science, I use science every day, it provides a foundation for the knife edge that modern society is based on (we're three square meals away from anarchy may no longer be the case, we are twenty four hours with out wifi before the collapse of modern civilisation). Science is a way of knowing, a way of learning about both ourselves and the universe. Science shows us everything from the first millisecond of the universe, to where humans came from, to how to feed humanity. It is based on fact and rigorously reviewed and checked. It is self correcting, things we thought we knew thirty years ago, we don't know at all. science is what beats diseases, is currently fighting to contain Ebola ( arguments over whether or not the with holding of treatment is politically motivated or runs along racial lines is for a different post or blog, although my faith in humanity would be shaken to the core if someone provided proof that people would be left to suffer because of their skin colour.)

This is when my hand starts going for the lead pipe, when people start telling me that science isn't true, that it is disproved by incomplete, non peer reviewed studies conducted by people with questionable degrees and morals (yes I went there: who can honestly tell people they will get rich by giving money to church?).

The most eloquent response to this is Dara O'Briain, an Irish comedian. I'll share a link but in essence he says:

"Science knows it doesn't know everything, otherwise it would stop. That doesn't mean you can fill in the gaps with whatever fairy story you like".

http://youtu.be/uDYba0m6ztE

While having an original thought in my head is more entertaining, I really cannot put it better than more prominent figures who actually have traffic, unlike small timers like me who blur into the back ground along with every other blogger. That said, another voice in the darkness that's not shouting 'I told you so' when it is too late might just help. Its why i started this blog (although I started it to share my Aspy experiences, not expressly my love of science), as a voice to show that Aspys can function and are people and we walk amongst you, and if there was anything I learnt that might help others.

This post has to end at some stage, and I went wildly off topic, so this topic will be revisited, although its a heavy one to talk about.

for now lets be Penguins in minefields.......

(That clip covers a lot that i agree with, this is blogging for slackers)