Control

How do five days vanish into nothing and I find myself behind?

I want to talk about control.

It seems to be a common tread amongst Aspy and autism, that we enjoy control, be it of our environment, what we watch, what others are doing, how life runs.

I have developed all sort of control. I control situations by being subtle, by seeming timid, seeming charming, making others feel that I am the one who can get jobs done, by making people do things because I can show them the persona or attitude they want. I'm the good guy, solid boyfriend, totally loyal, thoughtful.

However, for anyone who's had a look behind the armour, I'm most likely not the nicest person ever. But I can control others using a persona that's required. Oh, and sarcasm.

Control does have intrusion in my life in other ways. I hate cinema, mainly because I can't turn if off or flip channels, I don't like other people showing me stuff to watch, as I get no control over that either. I love TV, because I can mess with that, I can turn it off, change it and generally choose what I want to watch.

This leads me to the Internet. I love watching clips on a popular tube type website (YOU work it out). The Internet not only feeds my control, but also my sensory seeking behaviour (more on that later) and I can claim its educational (it is, if you know where to look, or how to lie).

Smells

Talking about super powers.....

I have a really sensitive sense of smell, to the point where I can tell someone has been smoking in a room that's been empty for a long time and cleaned fully.

I'm not sure if this is an Aspie trait, as close family members have strong noses, but it does have impact on my life.

Silly things, like I went into a bath soap shop and almost immediately had to leave as the smells became over whelming. I don't suffer meltdowns as they might be pictured (tantrums and screaming) but when it feels like electricity is sparking down the back of your skull, it can be mildly unpleasant. I can identify these moments and leave as soon as I'm able.

The only real trouble is when something has been cleaned. It might smell clean to everyone but I can get the afternose of the vile previous smell.

Anyway, I'm off to tie a sheet round my shoulders and sniff things.......

Twice now.

About three years ago, a while after my London reassessment, I went for an eye check mainly to utilise the tint test that I had undergone. I had never worn glasses in my life, but I had friends in school (in London, because in Ireland learning differences simply mean you're stupid and should be held back a year to catch up to the other classes. Oops, the stuff I say when I'm tired!) and I remember that the glasses went down like a lead balloon, the sixties having passed in a haze of smoke and tinted glasses no linger being groovy. 

But with a diagnosis of dyspraxia (seriously considering getting a counter plug-in that pings every time I mention a difference), and the tint specifics in my pocket, I headed to the eye doc. Turns out I have a stigmatise too, so I actually need glasses for reason beyond needing to look off. And that is how I felt. That wearing purple tint glasses was just a giant billboard declaring:

"Warning! Defective product." 

As I went to collect them, I ran into a friend who told me they would look cool due to the return of hipness and girls in alternative bars would swarm me (this has yet to happen, but I live in hope). A friend accepting that I needed tinted goggles made it easier, but every time I used them they got commented on, and while not always negative, made me self conscious. So the glasses went in a box.  One pair got scratched beyond use and the other pair popped a screw. 

Recently, under some "guidance", I repaired my glasses and began using them again, only for them to fall out of my pocket in work and pop a screw again. This time, the tiny screw managed a Houdini, so it was a walk down to the local optometrist. While repairing them, for free I might add, he mentioned an article in the Lancet recently that threw doubt on the usefulness of tint (I'll link in a future post, if I find it).

How does this all tie into the title?

Well turns out I have had a bigger billboard that I didn't realise and no one seems to spot, or comment on, and in the last two years I have had two random, friendly people, comment. 

Last year in a cafe, a gent at the next table watched me walk in and then told me it was Cerbral palsy. We talked and he kindly bought me tea, tell me that we should stick together. It was touching and while I am biased, confirmed the diagnosis I was awaiting.

The second time it happened was today, a gent on the bus asked as I sat down, making me smile. I now have a nice letter telling me what's different with me.

It makes me comfortable with my glasses, with how i walk and how I am.

Just a thought.