Facade

I had a solid meltdown in work.

I haven't told my parents yet but they are my main readers so, hi mom and dad, guess what happened in work!

I make no secret of my mental health, it's been something people try to stigmatise but with Prince William being an advocate for awareness and acceptance, I feel attitudes are shifting.

I guess it's been building. The last month was spent putting myself under huge pressure to pass a work funded course, mainly because it's important but also because if work are paying it's doubly important that I don't fail AND don't show up my workplace (it was out of state with a partner company so I was alone too, but the fellow students where amazingly supportive and friendly, reasoning that they too had once been the "out of state candidate". Soft skill learnt: include the outsider ). The course was so tough they sent candidates home on the first day and told them it wasn't for them. My company had invested huge amounts of time and resources in me to do this course. Fortunatly for me I passed.

My partner came with me, but we discovered too late the hotel is dog friendly so she went to family. I mean, my partner is my rock and support network but having a furry copilot who gets excited over cheese (like, who doesn't?!) is always lovely.

My partner went on holiday the day after the course. She works hard and our shifts conflicted so she went with her mother. I'm at this point looking at a busy work week, so the furry little copilot is going to have to stay with family while I work.

They say that money issues impact mental health and due to change of jobs ten (!) months ago, I'm trying to live a 30k lifestyle on 20k. I'm not poor but I've had to dig out emergency funds because I had more month at the end of my money, and not May, I mean June's paycheck is gone before the end of May.

More importantly, it was my mothers 30th anniversary on Sunday. They say time heals all wounds and I say fck that. It took me harder than I thought, my partner took the one photo I have of her and got a key chain and an enlarged copy made, so I can bring her with me when I go out. I spent Sunday with in-laws and the doggo.

Caseload in work has been routine and Wednesday was no different except I found the paperwork lacking, the materials damaged and no effort made by the previous shift to do basic inventory checks.  Apparently I was being curt with colleagues, forgetting my manners and being irritable. As the shift progressed, I got more frustrated.

I stimm by rubbing the back of my head, increasing in severity and intensity to relieve stress. When that's not working, I'll escalate to punching myself in the back of my head. I've still got a lump and tender patch two days later.

My manager is mental health first aid trained and she calmly explained to my colleagues what was happening and how it would play out. She reorientated me to tasks, stripping away any other issues. She involved our manager, I'm man enough to say i cried to her, who released me from work, pushed an occupational health referral for support. I contacted my own head doc but she's not available until next week.

So I have a week off. I'm going to see my parents. My bestie built me a spreadsheet for household finances. I'm going home for a few days to see friends, family and be away for a bit.

I think a good reflection, apart from the fact that I was clearly fragile and I need to do more for my mental health (I believe I should be the stoic one who just gets on with work, no matter how bad it is, whereas maybe I should have more me time, which is why I don't do over time), it's how difficult it can be for high functioning autisic people in every day life. I come off as a normal, I've got language, basic literacy skills, relationships, friends (squints at friends), can manage a house (squints at dishes in sink). I think it's a surprise to me (and others) when everything slips and I have, what I imagine looks a violent, meltdown. It's easy to forget I have ASD, and when my colleague began listing the paranoia, anxiety, confusion, head fog, I told her to get out of my head. An overload meltdown is rare but it was a scary enough experience.

Always round up on a positive. There's a job that uses the course I just completed and I need to apply. I'll work on that after the weekend.

Until next time, take care and be awesome to each other.

Update: not even published and I've an update. Work support rang to ensure I was OK, complimented my strategy and support network and told me to call them next week to see if there's even more they can do. How awesome is that?

Ongoing support

So, like always, I'm typing this at 23:46 (Greenwich mean time, HELLO AMERICA!), and am clearly not smart enough to come up with a deep thoughtful post about the philosophical insights into having a brain that's been wired like a blind electrician with Parkinson's fuse box.

This might be a two part post, I don't know, but I'm hoping to stretch it out like pair of worn tight wights, mainly because I'm projecting a bit into the future (next month to be exact).

If you have been paying attention, and I'll forgive you if you haven't, what with this blogs complete reliability and regular posting, I have recently moved jobs. OK, not entirely, because I'm working my notice, but anyway there's a new job on the horizon. This has been met with mixed reactions from: "But the current job is great, how can you give up such a great thing!" to "Yes, new opportunities are worth moving for." Both of these are understandable for people who know how hard it can be for the disabled to hold a job (trust me, disability is NO OBSTACLE to employment, or even running ones own business), but also know that we need to grow and develop to find our true potential (and become masters of the universe or something, I never finished the Aspergers for beginners book).

Back after London (and I'm totally calling my tell all book that, after my Patreon takes off, hint hint), I had plenty of support to get into work. My own Aspie Nurse came into my then job and gave them some helpful pointers (or gave me a helpful pointer: run and don't look back), two Occupational therapists sat me down and gave me some advice (short shifts and good management) and always said they where contactable if required. Fortunately, my current job was hugely supportive and no further external support was required. I put huge store in understanding management and actually busting your own backside at being good and meeting people halfway and not talking for hours about toy soldiers.

Anyway, the new job had occupational health ring me (after I filled in another form, and tacked on another sheet cos those boxes are always too small) and they want to see me before I start so we can slide in support if required. This hugely endears me to both the job and the management because this shows they care and are willing to work with me. It also means that if they decide I need support, I can contact external support and swing "reasonable adjustments" into place.

And this is why it's a two part post, I have yet to meet the Occupational Health team. So will update.

yes, I know I've changed the Aspie spelling, frankly I don't care.

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