paranoia

It's a great game, because friend computer told me so.

On the other hand, Aspies suffer from acute paranoia. It is recognised as a part of the syndrome and is most likely a side affect of the inability to understand society. I have paranoia on a regular basis.

I'll crack a joke that sounds funny in my head and I'll either get looks of incomprehension or a smattering of laughter. I like to think it's because my humour is too high brow, even my toilet humour. I touched on this with my flippant remarks post, people can't read my humour or intentions and therefore my jokes fall flat.

I then get a sense of paranoia, and I'm sure it comes out in other social situations too. I worry people laugh at me behind my back, feel pity because maybe I have come off as less then able. Maybe people think I am only in my job because I was hired on some back to work plan, hired because there is some hidden benefit to my employer, or that I am in university because I am unemployable and to continue in jobseekers I need to do study. I'm over thinking it, I rarely go into this kind of depth on a regular basis and am secure enough to shrug off most scrutiny.

I caught a girl looking at me thoughtfully in university today. I had sat down and was eating a rather large lunch, on my own, fully engaged by my phone and just happened to look up. This girl had sat at the table next to me, facing me if you will. She was looking at me thoughtfully, and there was warmth in her eyes. Our eyes met and I looked away, wondering what she was thinking. Most likely she was worlds away and not thinking about me at all, but because I looked like a hobo, with a stained jumper and unshaven face, I wondered what she was thinking. See, over thinking paranoia.

It also happens with subtext. Did I miss something? Often I get home and realise I missed something. I only realised last year that a girl I met in New York in 2004 was most likely asking me for a date. This leads to having to recover the conversation the next time I see that person and either rectify the error, or give the correct answer. Often the response to this attempt to correct conversations are phrases like 'Don't worry about it' or 'I didn't think about it'. I am also surrounded by women so they don't honestly care.

Paranoia won't go away, mainly because social norms are lost to me and I will wonder, no matter how many times I'm told, if I am being inappropriate. So I wonder if I can improve in this area. Apparently there are socialization classes but they are fully booked for the next two years, so I better learn some of this stuff on my own. I just hope I know people who tolerate my foibles.

In other news I have a MRI scan on the 7th, Woot indeed.