Unsure.

This post is sort of two in one, I'm not sure they are directly linked but I feel they link through the fact I find people hard to read, and I find boundaries tough to understand. They are linked because they involve me changing jobs.

I recently mentioned to a colleague who didn't know I was leaving within ear shot of two professionals who where visiting my job. They have various fields and I have interacted with one previously, although one had just met me and only had a snap shot of my work. Both where vocally dismayed that I was leaving, the gent I had only just met very annoyed that I was leaving my current field and he felt it was a loss (boy this makes me sound great, doesn't it?).

My problem, if you will, is that I am unsure as to whether they are being polite or if they will genuinely miss me and believe I am a loss to my professional field. Many people I have come into contact with have wished me well and say that it is a shame I am leaving. Some of the girls do believe my leaving will take away my fairness and kindness, but for two professionals who I would rarely work with to think I am a loss is flattering, but can I take them as genuine? I don't know, I would like to think it was, but I believe it rude and immodest, to enquire further about how great one is from semi-strangers. Praise from Cesar is praise indeed, but solicited praise is no praise at all. The unhelpful answer froma  friend is they where being polite, so I guess that is the intent.

Link to this is I need to go meet my new boss, but I don't know what is appropriate. I am unsure of the boundaries, is it too full on to ask for coffee, or am I too shy if i don't contact him. Luckily I have some advice from a professional support base (who aren't my nurses) and I think I've gauged it right.

Here's hoping......

paranoia

It's a great game, because friend computer told me so.

On the other hand, Aspies suffer from acute paranoia. It is recognised as a part of the syndrome and is most likely a side affect of the inability to understand society. I have paranoia on a regular basis.

I'll crack a joke that sounds funny in my head and I'll either get looks of incomprehension or a smattering of laughter. I like to think it's because my humour is too high brow, even my toilet humour. I touched on this with my flippant remarks post, people can't read my humour or intentions and therefore my jokes fall flat.

I then get a sense of paranoia, and I'm sure it comes out in other social situations too. I worry people laugh at me behind my back, feel pity because maybe I have come off as less then able. Maybe people think I am only in my job because I was hired on some back to work plan, hired because there is some hidden benefit to my employer, or that I am in university because I am unemployable and to continue in jobseekers I need to do study. I'm over thinking it, I rarely go into this kind of depth on a regular basis and am secure enough to shrug off most scrutiny.

I caught a girl looking at me thoughtfully in university today. I had sat down and was eating a rather large lunch, on my own, fully engaged by my phone and just happened to look up. This girl had sat at the table next to me, facing me if you will. She was looking at me thoughtfully, and there was warmth in her eyes. Our eyes met and I looked away, wondering what she was thinking. Most likely she was worlds away and not thinking about me at all, but because I looked like a hobo, with a stained jumper and unshaven face, I wondered what she was thinking. See, over thinking paranoia.

It also happens with subtext. Did I miss something? Often I get home and realise I missed something. I only realised last year that a girl I met in New York in 2004 was most likely asking me for a date. This leads to having to recover the conversation the next time I see that person and either rectify the error, or give the correct answer. Often the response to this attempt to correct conversations are phrases like 'Don't worry about it' or 'I didn't think about it'. I am also surrounded by women so they don't honestly care.

Paranoia won't go away, mainly because social norms are lost to me and I will wonder, no matter how many times I'm told, if I am being inappropriate. So I wonder if I can improve in this area. Apparently there are socialization classes but they are fully booked for the next two years, so I better learn some of this stuff on my own. I just hope I know people who tolerate my foibles.

In other news I have a MRI scan on the 7th, Woot indeed. 

success.

Today was spent building and admiring hobby related items. While most of my thought processes during this where: oohh that'd look good/I think I might be hungry?/come on glue hurry up and stick I need to pee, some of it (mostly near the end where I was satisfied with my work) turned to the measurement of success. How do we measure success, and how should I measure my success? It's easy enough with hobby: this morning I had parts, now I have an army that'll be wiped out with one well placed enemy sneeze (I'm not kidding either, nearly my entire army has no armour saves). It's measurable success, I now have a tool that will allow me to participate in the meeting of others and their laughter and scorn.

Success is measured by different people in different ways. there is an info graphic online of the rise and fall of success where not peeing yourself is considered success at both ages 3 and 60. The Online Dictionary defines success as the achievement of something desired, attempted or planned. So today was a success because I now have something to show off and strike fear into peoples hearts, something I desired, attempted and planned.

What does success mean to an Aspy? I cannot be an authority on the subject by any stretch and I'm sure this topic will be expanded or revisited in future posts. Also I'm very sure that many Aspys will not think of their success, as many are people in their middle years who have been newly or recently diagnosed and while they have answers to questions left unasked, they also have blended well enough to hold a job, have families, and succeed by any ones measurement.

While I don't go for the sickeningly sweet praise of 'how good someone was', or that 'one should be proud of how well they did' as if Aspies are completely incapable and one was the good puppy who made it out of the house before widdling, I do wonder if maybe we should pat ourselves on the back from time to time for what we accomplish or achieve. If we should look at how hard we have worked for our goals?

I have a Honours Science degree that I gained with no support for my Dyslexia, and with no knowledge of my Aspergers at all. I am now trying to patch together a masters from module courses that fit around my work and social life. That is success that society recognises in anyone, and promotes as a 'good' way to be a productive member of society. Many people say I have done well to even get a career and pick myself up from disaster in the past (I attribute this to me being too bone headed to do anything else), even though currently I am not riding the heights my career could take me to. I've been offered an 'in' into those more glamorous ends due to my encyclopedic knowledge of certain topics, but so far I have hesitated to accept. I don't feel ready.

Maybe success for Aspies should be measured with another yard stick. Could success perhaps be something more intangible like navigating a social situation, or even having contact with another human. I have friends and have had girlfriends, something my NT friends seem to fail at. I must admit I cheat: I count matchsticks into a match box, then tell a girl I'm an Aspy with the superpower to count items really fast, ask her to throw the matchsticks on a table and then I shout the number I just 'counted' and let her pick them up. Never fails.

Anyway my cheating aside, perhaps success is just being able to spend an hour with a crowd, an hour without talking obsessively about our favourite topic (did I mention my army?).  Even just having a conversation without making a faus pax. A day where we weren't overwhelmed by sensations. that last one is a tough one, as we cannot always avoid what will trigger a sense, like I cannot avoid a strong smell.

I do believe we should reach for the heavens, even if our rocket is a firework and our safety briefing involved the words: crash landing. Aspys shouldn't listen to 'advice' given by experts about how well we will do, what we should expect from life or our ability to achieve. We should have our own yards stick, that isn't set by some arbitary society rule. Money and fame aren't success, but getting to talk to a friend for five minutes might be.

Bad days.

We all have them.
I have them, and the girls in work know it's a bad one because I'm quiet, which is a huge change from my screaming and smashing match's.
But I like to think myself mostly adjusted, the people I work with never guess I have Aspergers, never guess I have dyslexia, and when I get asked about my walk I make up an excuse and change the subject. Who needs to know I may or my not have mild CP? I can hold a conversation, and OK my eye contact skills generally focus either on the floor or the middle of their nose (a trick my grandmother taught me when she noted I couldn't maintain eye contact. Clues that we missed eh?) but no one seems to notice that too much.
Then I have bad days, and the girls suddenly notice I'm being surly and my tone has lost all inflection. I'm suddenly the 'bad guy' barking orders and being 'concise' in my dealings with them. I lose all ability to be a regular human with them, and they suddenly are left wondering why the joker and moral officer has burst his own balloon.
The worst part is I don't notice until one mentions it to me, and then I'm stumped. I don't realise I'm doing it, and the girls are at a loss as to why I am acting the way I am. Yes I was open and honest with management, and I don't hide anything from my colleagues, but many of them wouldn't know which way of Aspergers was up. One of them when I explained it to her responded with: 'wow I'd use that all the time to get away with stuff.' That was both unhelpful and not constructive to our dialogue, but I'm sure it was her way of laughing off our 'misunderstanding' (I'm almost sure it was).
While I don't want to focus too much on this idea that it is my 'shield' here, and I have touched on this before, I believe that if I do have the mythical shield, it is my duty to others to meet them half way and work hard at being, at least socially, 'normal'. Yes I am different, yes i like it that way mostly, but that doesn't give me the right to be a jerk and then hide behind my 'I have a nuerobiological disorder' shield when people tell me I am out of line. In fact I shy away from using it as a defence because while true it's also an atom bomb of a trump card, I look great and you look like a bully. Therefore I don't use it, just like we try not to A-bomb each other back to the stone age (or sausage, I forget which came first).
Back to my bad days, I usually have a colleague around I can go whinge to, who will put my life back into perspective and give me something to think about while I cool off. Also a mug of tea, and a few puffs of a pipe don't hurt.
Bad days are few and far between, and my foul humour usually lasts only long enough for a problem to be solved or light to appear at the end of the tunnel. I apologise to those who feel wronged, try to sort my nasty comments from their nasty comments, and make sense of the conversations had, including what subtext I missed, what i might have said to diffuse the situation instead of standing around like a dummy with no reasonable answer to give ('I'm an Aspy, deal with it' and putting on sunglasses doesn't count apparently), or walking away to get out of conflict I don't know how to win.
Yet more I need to work out with my Aspy nurses........
 

socializing

OK so that's a broad topic, but I want to look at a tool and aspect that I've only recently begun to appreciate and utilize again.

I collect, and will soon again, play with toy soldiers. On and off I've been doing it for 15 years, and I've made some solid friends through it during the years.It has been characterized as a waste of money and time by some, but I am about to swing it to my benefit.

I have been involved with the 'gaming' scene for at least ten years in my home country, I even wrote a blog about it (don't look, I've locked it away). Gaming for those of us who don't know is anything like Dungeons and dragons, role play, computer gaming, table top war gaming etc etc etc. I've stood in muddy fields facing shield walls, I've sat around a table while a friend delivers fiery exposition and I've stared down opponents across a miniature battlefield. I've never won anything.

I've charged headlong back to the hobby for one reason and one reason only: having written this blog for less then two months I've realised that all of my social interaction almost exclusively comes from work. This needs to change, mainly because work isn't a social situation. I know from years of gaming that the hobby is littered with Aspies and others of our ilk. I may also have discovered an army that finally captures me and looks fun to build, paint and stomp my enemies with. Also I have a giant gaming hall down the road (hint, hint). This gaming business will get me out of the house, have me meet new people, and I already know loads of people in the hobby.

As an Aspy I don't realise I miss things (friends? who the hell wants them? ME!) until I sit down and think, and that is what this blog is forcing me to do. It is highlighting issues I hadn't even realised I was having. Just from the amount of times I've mentioned work so far made me realise that my life is currently work, eat sleep, university, eat, sleep, work. That's not really healthy.

With the hobby, I have an easy in, I already own an army to get me started, I just need to build it and paint it (*SIGH*), and I know people who can teach me the new rules and then whip me round the hall like the dog that I am.

All this talk of hobby is getting me into a hobby frenzy, better procrastinate some more......

Sleeping troubles

I have a complex relationship with sleep. I do too much of it, at the wrong times, I enjoy it but equally I can't sleep when I have to.

It is recognised as an aspect of Aspy, and when I was reading a little around while doing my testing, although that said in a vain attempt to prevent skewing any results I didn't do any real reading, I discovered that Aspies do have trouble sleeping and can be prescribed sleeping tablets by a health care professional. I know my cousin has set sleeping hours and is completely out during that time, whereas I sleep erratically and have been known to be awake for twenty-four hours and then sleep for nearly the same amount of time.

I have been on sleeping tablets but that was due to work related stress (a topic I am still trying to formulate into a tactful and tasteful blog post, something that I find difficult to do), and they worked so well that my Aspy nurse had to give me 'the talk' (one of many) about how they don't help me sleep and just mess up my clock.

I had a three hour nap yesterday during the day, and I have slept for four hours during the night, I've been awake since four and up since five.  I have university in three hours, so I can't go back to bed, and it would be similar with a work situation.

Sleep serves a number of functions for humans and other animals, and while the purpose behind it is not fully understood a number of theories include obviously recharging lost energy, a chance for the body to heal (if your brain isn't trying to keep you alive consciously it lets you body focus on repairing itself), a chance to learn (who hasn't seen those baby adverts), and as a defense mechanism, we sleep during the night for a reason, it's when all the big bad things that eat us come out. Find out more here.

So more safety for me, surprisingly placed, and uncovered during my tests. I was asked when I felt safe. Laugh all you want but my response was: In bed asleep.

When I analyse this thought though, and when asked to explain why I felt safe there my answer was simple and surprising:  I fell safe because when I'm asleep I am not in trouble, everything is OK, I'm not doing anything 'wrong'. 'Sleep, that's where I'm a Viking!'

All joking aside, it holds water as an argument: it is a social situation I understand (I'm asleep, how hard can it be), I'm with 'someone' (myself, or a partner who may also be asleep) who doesn't expect anything of me, who doesn't require empathy. Being asleep takes me away from situations I perceive as harmful or challenging (which is part of the protective theories connected with sleep theories), stressful situations that can cause me to become overwhelmed, and avoids taxing me into social situations with people who may not understand me.

The world turns, I'm safe and life continues, at least for the brief times I can sleep, I miss things I find stressful or intimidating. I just wish I could regulate it a little more, and do it on command.

flick the switch.

The Times magazine ran a piece on Saturday called 'Are you on the spectrum?' It explores various aspects of Aspergers and it's current place in society. It is well worth the read if you can lay your hand on a copy but if you can't it touched on some points that ring true to me.

Firstly it touches on the notion that being an Aspy is a fashion sense now, that it is 'hip' or 'cool' to be quirky and explain it with a diagnosis of Aspy, or as the article puts it: a little Aspy. There is no such thing as 'a little'. Yes the spectrum varies: I am high functioning to the point where I can blend (although not that successfully) into mainstream life and I know people who can't. I for instance have never been told I won't complete school or university, as much as my lecturers and teachers may have thought it, whereas my cousin, who recently got top grades in school, was told he would be lucky if he completed school. Even my Aspy nurses say everyone is a little on the spectrum, and my old headmaster when I told him, said his wife who knows about these things, believes all men are on the spectrum somewhere.

It also discusses the current trend for every TV show, book, play or other media outlet to have an Aspy character who is super brilliant, can do complex maths in their heads, to play ten instruments and speak as many languages fluently, and to use technology as if it was a part of their own anatomy. Louise Carpenter, the author, feels it is excellent that Aspergers has lost its taboo but equally that it has now swung too far into public perception. I feel like making and handing out capes when I see that sort of portrait of an Aspy. They might as well be able to fly. The number of Aspys with superpowers on par with TV tropes is minimal, the rest of us are just regular humans who experience the world differently. I am appalling at maths, in depth technology puts me to sleep, and while I speak two languages that, like everything in my life, is an accident of birth. I don't have beneficial superpowers that I've traded my ability to socialize for. So I have two problems: I can't make friends and I can't fly.

Lastly it talks about relationship problems. *sigh*. There is significant research stating that a relationship or marriage will fail if a partner (usually male) refuses to get treatment for Aspy behaviour. Aspys can be emotionally distant and cold in a relationship, wanting to please a partner but not knowing how. This links in with my inability to develop friendships beyond a basic level, and the same as I've stated before, goes for relationships. I can be a cold hearted bastard at times, and in work being able to see the end benefit can make me over come some of the heartbreaking choices I'm forced to make. Removing the emotional barrier can be hugely beneficial.

Hey look, I found my superpower.......  

exploration

I know I shouldn't and can't tie everything back to my aspergers, as NT also have weird interests and enjoy strange things, but I sometimes wonder if it is my Aspy that drives some of my interests. I have a love of travel, seeing new places, being overwhelmed by experiences. Most times I enjoy the destination more then the transport, planes are just metal tubes and driving can be exhausting. But TRAINS, now there's some way to travel, speeding past varied landscape, if you book right you can have a table, going backwards (not just because it will save my life if we crash, but because I spend the most of my life going forward it's novel), the infrastructure (Victorian buildings, the fine metal work not dodgy plastic, the solid builds), the peace, the speed. That for me is travel and when I travel it is a fun way to go. So today I went to Loughborough for a day out, and to do so I had to travel by train (that was going to London).

I often ponder what sets me aside from NT. Yes I have an entire report, and yes it is fairly comprehensive to point out exactly what is different. Aspy is so varied that anything can come under its topic, and I know I fall into some of the obvious ones. During my testing I was asked to make a pattern with two colours. I made a regimented coloured shape, knowing full well what it pointed to. Aspys can sometimes not enjoy making eye contact, commentary from one job was I don't make eye contact. Some basics that I fall into.

However, then there's some major differences. Two I know act completely differently to both myself and each other. I spend each day exploring my quirks and differences, and I try not to change them too much, but some I suppress and some I express.

I have also added a new link, please enjoy.