success.

Today was spent building and admiring hobby related items. While most of my thought processes during this where: oohh that'd look good/I think I might be hungry?/come on glue hurry up and stick I need to pee, some of it (mostly near the end where I was satisfied with my work) turned to the measurement of success. How do we measure success, and how should I measure my success? It's easy enough with hobby: this morning I had parts, now I have an army that'll be wiped out with one well placed enemy sneeze (I'm not kidding either, nearly my entire army has no armour saves). It's measurable success, I now have a tool that will allow me to participate in the meeting of others and their laughter and scorn.

Success is measured by different people in different ways. there is an info graphic online of the rise and fall of success where not peeing yourself is considered success at both ages 3 and 60. The Online Dictionary defines success as the achievement of something desired, attempted or planned. So today was a success because I now have something to show off and strike fear into peoples hearts, something I desired, attempted and planned.

What does success mean to an Aspy? I cannot be an authority on the subject by any stretch and I'm sure this topic will be expanded or revisited in future posts. Also I'm very sure that many Aspys will not think of their success, as many are people in their middle years who have been newly or recently diagnosed and while they have answers to questions left unasked, they also have blended well enough to hold a job, have families, and succeed by any ones measurement.

While I don't go for the sickeningly sweet praise of 'how good someone was', or that 'one should be proud of how well they did' as if Aspies are completely incapable and one was the good puppy who made it out of the house before widdling, I do wonder if maybe we should pat ourselves on the back from time to time for what we accomplish or achieve. If we should look at how hard we have worked for our goals?

I have a Honours Science degree that I gained with no support for my Dyslexia, and with no knowledge of my Aspergers at all. I am now trying to patch together a masters from module courses that fit around my work and social life. That is success that society recognises in anyone, and promotes as a 'good' way to be a productive member of society. Many people say I have done well to even get a career and pick myself up from disaster in the past (I attribute this to me being too bone headed to do anything else), even though currently I am not riding the heights my career could take me to. I've been offered an 'in' into those more glamorous ends due to my encyclopedic knowledge of certain topics, but so far I have hesitated to accept. I don't feel ready.

Maybe success for Aspies should be measured with another yard stick. Could success perhaps be something more intangible like navigating a social situation, or even having contact with another human. I have friends and have had girlfriends, something my NT friends seem to fail at. I must admit I cheat: I count matchsticks into a match box, then tell a girl I'm an Aspy with the superpower to count items really fast, ask her to throw the matchsticks on a table and then I shout the number I just 'counted' and let her pick them up. Never fails.

Anyway my cheating aside, perhaps success is just being able to spend an hour with a crowd, an hour without talking obsessively about our favourite topic (did I mention my army?).  Even just having a conversation without making a faus pax. A day where we weren't overwhelmed by sensations. that last one is a tough one, as we cannot always avoid what will trigger a sense, like I cannot avoid a strong smell.

I do believe we should reach for the heavens, even if our rocket is a firework and our safety briefing involved the words: crash landing. Aspys shouldn't listen to 'advice' given by experts about how well we will do, what we should expect from life or our ability to achieve. We should have our own yards stick, that isn't set by some arbitary society rule. Money and fame aren't success, but getting to talk to a friend for five minutes might be.

procrastilaxing

Yes that is a real word. Sadly.

I don't know how, but my diagnosis was riddled with things that are true, without me having to say so much as a word. One of the things picked up on is my inability to motivate myself outside of a structured environment. My 'starting mechanism' is faulty. Interestingly, this is something I have yet to tackle with my Aspy nurse, who has been tied in knots trying to improve my work life.

Getting moving in doing things that interest me takes a lot of effort, and then I'm suddenly surprised by how easy and enjoyable that thing I was putting off is. It's like there's a block, a barrier that makes things loom high above me and I'm afraid to touch it in case it collapses on me. I am like electricity, i take the easiest route and I occasionally shock.

This ties into a lot of my life, study, hobby, going to the shops to buy stuff. I will revisit this topic in future as i develop strategies and tactics and see how I improve, but for now I thought I would just mention it.

socializing

OK so that's a broad topic, but I want to look at a tool and aspect that I've only recently begun to appreciate and utilize again.

I collect, and will soon again, play with toy soldiers. On and off I've been doing it for 15 years, and I've made some solid friends through it during the years.It has been characterized as a waste of money and time by some, but I am about to swing it to my benefit.

I have been involved with the 'gaming' scene for at least ten years in my home country, I even wrote a blog about it (don't look, I've locked it away). Gaming for those of us who don't know is anything like Dungeons and dragons, role play, computer gaming, table top war gaming etc etc etc. I've stood in muddy fields facing shield walls, I've sat around a table while a friend delivers fiery exposition and I've stared down opponents across a miniature battlefield. I've never won anything.

I've charged headlong back to the hobby for one reason and one reason only: having written this blog for less then two months I've realised that all of my social interaction almost exclusively comes from work. This needs to change, mainly because work isn't a social situation. I know from years of gaming that the hobby is littered with Aspies and others of our ilk. I may also have discovered an army that finally captures me and looks fun to build, paint and stomp my enemies with. Also I have a giant gaming hall down the road (hint, hint). This gaming business will get me out of the house, have me meet new people, and I already know loads of people in the hobby.

As an Aspy I don't realise I miss things (friends? who the hell wants them? ME!) until I sit down and think, and that is what this blog is forcing me to do. It is highlighting issues I hadn't even realised I was having. Just from the amount of times I've mentioned work so far made me realise that my life is currently work, eat sleep, university, eat, sleep, work. That's not really healthy.

With the hobby, I have an easy in, I already own an army to get me started, I just need to build it and paint it (*SIGH*), and I know people who can teach me the new rules and then whip me round the hall like the dog that I am.

All this talk of hobby is getting me into a hobby frenzy, better procrastinate some more......