Thursday.

Ok so I really should have blogged about this Thursday but things got busy meeting the new boss.

Anyway, Thursday for those counting, was my MRI scan. I'm not claustrophobic but when the put your head in a brace and a grille over your face that touches your jaw it can feel a little tight. Time for some use of my 'limited development imagination'. According to the report I have some imagination, and can come up with some new things on my own. So I first thought about a lady friend who was in work, and she kept my mind off the thumping and banging, then I thought about doing Ti Chi at the castle, and then I had a nap.

So now we play the waiting game, but the radiographer could confirm I had a brain.

paranoia

It's a great game, because friend computer told me so.

On the other hand, Aspies suffer from acute paranoia. It is recognised as a part of the syndrome and is most likely a side affect of the inability to understand society. I have paranoia on a regular basis.

I'll crack a joke that sounds funny in my head and I'll either get looks of incomprehension or a smattering of laughter. I like to think it's because my humour is too high brow, even my toilet humour. I touched on this with my flippant remarks post, people can't read my humour or intentions and therefore my jokes fall flat.

I then get a sense of paranoia, and I'm sure it comes out in other social situations too. I worry people laugh at me behind my back, feel pity because maybe I have come off as less then able. Maybe people think I am only in my job because I was hired on some back to work plan, hired because there is some hidden benefit to my employer, or that I am in university because I am unemployable and to continue in jobseekers I need to do study. I'm over thinking it, I rarely go into this kind of depth on a regular basis and am secure enough to shrug off most scrutiny.

I caught a girl looking at me thoughtfully in university today. I had sat down and was eating a rather large lunch, on my own, fully engaged by my phone and just happened to look up. This girl had sat at the table next to me, facing me if you will. She was looking at me thoughtfully, and there was warmth in her eyes. Our eyes met and I looked away, wondering what she was thinking. Most likely she was worlds away and not thinking about me at all, but because I looked like a hobo, with a stained jumper and unshaven face, I wondered what she was thinking. See, over thinking paranoia.

It also happens with subtext. Did I miss something? Often I get home and realise I missed something. I only realised last year that a girl I met in New York in 2004 was most likely asking me for a date. This leads to having to recover the conversation the next time I see that person and either rectify the error, or give the correct answer. Often the response to this attempt to correct conversations are phrases like 'Don't worry about it' or 'I didn't think about it'. I am also surrounded by women so they don't honestly care.

Paranoia won't go away, mainly because social norms are lost to me and I will wonder, no matter how many times I'm told, if I am being inappropriate. So I wonder if I can improve in this area. Apparently there are socialization classes but they are fully booked for the next two years, so I better learn some of this stuff on my own. I just hope I know people who tolerate my foibles.

In other news I have a MRI scan on the 7th, Woot indeed. 

success.

Today was spent building and admiring hobby related items. While most of my thought processes during this where: oohh that'd look good/I think I might be hungry?/come on glue hurry up and stick I need to pee, some of it (mostly near the end where I was satisfied with my work) turned to the measurement of success. How do we measure success, and how should I measure my success? It's easy enough with hobby: this morning I had parts, now I have an army that'll be wiped out with one well placed enemy sneeze (I'm not kidding either, nearly my entire army has no armour saves). It's measurable success, I now have a tool that will allow me to participate in the meeting of others and their laughter and scorn.

Success is measured by different people in different ways. there is an info graphic online of the rise and fall of success where not peeing yourself is considered success at both ages 3 and 60. The Online Dictionary defines success as the achievement of something desired, attempted or planned. So today was a success because I now have something to show off and strike fear into peoples hearts, something I desired, attempted and planned.

What does success mean to an Aspy? I cannot be an authority on the subject by any stretch and I'm sure this topic will be expanded or revisited in future posts. Also I'm very sure that many Aspys will not think of their success, as many are people in their middle years who have been newly or recently diagnosed and while they have answers to questions left unasked, they also have blended well enough to hold a job, have families, and succeed by any ones measurement.

While I don't go for the sickeningly sweet praise of 'how good someone was', or that 'one should be proud of how well they did' as if Aspies are completely incapable and one was the good puppy who made it out of the house before widdling, I do wonder if maybe we should pat ourselves on the back from time to time for what we accomplish or achieve. If we should look at how hard we have worked for our goals?

I have a Honours Science degree that I gained with no support for my Dyslexia, and with no knowledge of my Aspergers at all. I am now trying to patch together a masters from module courses that fit around my work and social life. That is success that society recognises in anyone, and promotes as a 'good' way to be a productive member of society. Many people say I have done well to even get a career and pick myself up from disaster in the past (I attribute this to me being too bone headed to do anything else), even though currently I am not riding the heights my career could take me to. I've been offered an 'in' into those more glamorous ends due to my encyclopedic knowledge of certain topics, but so far I have hesitated to accept. I don't feel ready.

Maybe success for Aspies should be measured with another yard stick. Could success perhaps be something more intangible like navigating a social situation, or even having contact with another human. I have friends and have had girlfriends, something my NT friends seem to fail at. I must admit I cheat: I count matchsticks into a match box, then tell a girl I'm an Aspy with the superpower to count items really fast, ask her to throw the matchsticks on a table and then I shout the number I just 'counted' and let her pick them up. Never fails.

Anyway my cheating aside, perhaps success is just being able to spend an hour with a crowd, an hour without talking obsessively about our favourite topic (did I mention my army?).  Even just having a conversation without making a faus pax. A day where we weren't overwhelmed by sensations. that last one is a tough one, as we cannot always avoid what will trigger a sense, like I cannot avoid a strong smell.

I do believe we should reach for the heavens, even if our rocket is a firework and our safety briefing involved the words: crash landing. Aspys shouldn't listen to 'advice' given by experts about how well we will do, what we should expect from life or our ability to achieve. We should have our own yards stick, that isn't set by some arbitary society rule. Money and fame aren't success, but getting to talk to a friend for five minutes might be.

Media exposure.

A fellow Aspy has had an article published in mainstream Irish media, It is very interesting and worth a read.

This is positive media exposure, that shows Aspys both as the positive people we are and the regular people we are. His mother (Helen) seems to be amazingly supportive, just as my parents are. I believe this is key to some of the best results in Aspy kids, as every one of us (hey, we are all someones kids) that I know have parents who work tirelessly to promote their children and push them to be everything they can be.

Fionn has his own blog, it is more advanced then mine so have a read and see how our world is shaped. I'm still trying to write a post about calling myself names (and I got given out to so much in work when I mentioned it, as predicted).

Anyway, it's late and I have hobby to build/admire/procrastinate about.

'probably'

Following my examination just before I started this blog, I got my copy of the medical report for the GP.

The most important word currently in that diagnosis is the word 'probably'.

A CP diagnosis is based on a detailed history and a physical exam. A MRI scan can be used to identify the source of the CP but not to confirm diagnosis.

So the statement in full is: probably mild CP.

I focused on the probably, it's a qualitative word, leaving doubt even through its certainty. A friend focused on the mild. I'm a little torn.

I'm trying to think it through right now, but I will blog more about it soon. I feel apathetic about it right now, when people seem to expect me to be overloaded.

socializing

OK so that's a broad topic, but I want to look at a tool and aspect that I've only recently begun to appreciate and utilize again.

I collect, and will soon again, play with toy soldiers. On and off I've been doing it for 15 years, and I've made some solid friends through it during the years.It has been characterized as a waste of money and time by some, but I am about to swing it to my benefit.

I have been involved with the 'gaming' scene for at least ten years in my home country, I even wrote a blog about it (don't look, I've locked it away). Gaming for those of us who don't know is anything like Dungeons and dragons, role play, computer gaming, table top war gaming etc etc etc. I've stood in muddy fields facing shield walls, I've sat around a table while a friend delivers fiery exposition and I've stared down opponents across a miniature battlefield. I've never won anything.

I've charged headlong back to the hobby for one reason and one reason only: having written this blog for less then two months I've realised that all of my social interaction almost exclusively comes from work. This needs to change, mainly because work isn't a social situation. I know from years of gaming that the hobby is littered with Aspies and others of our ilk. I may also have discovered an army that finally captures me and looks fun to build, paint and stomp my enemies with. Also I have a giant gaming hall down the road (hint, hint). This gaming business will get me out of the house, have me meet new people, and I already know loads of people in the hobby.

As an Aspy I don't realise I miss things (friends? who the hell wants them? ME!) until I sit down and think, and that is what this blog is forcing me to do. It is highlighting issues I hadn't even realised I was having. Just from the amount of times I've mentioned work so far made me realise that my life is currently work, eat sleep, university, eat, sleep, work. That's not really healthy.

With the hobby, I have an easy in, I already own an army to get me started, I just need to build it and paint it (*SIGH*), and I know people who can teach me the new rules and then whip me round the hall like the dog that I am.

All this talk of hobby is getting me into a hobby frenzy, better procrastinate some more......

flick the switch.

The Times magazine ran a piece on Saturday called 'Are you on the spectrum?' It explores various aspects of Aspergers and it's current place in society. It is well worth the read if you can lay your hand on a copy but if you can't it touched on some points that ring true to me.

Firstly it touches on the notion that being an Aspy is a fashion sense now, that it is 'hip' or 'cool' to be quirky and explain it with a diagnosis of Aspy, or as the article puts it: a little Aspy. There is no such thing as 'a little'. Yes the spectrum varies: I am high functioning to the point where I can blend (although not that successfully) into mainstream life and I know people who can't. I for instance have never been told I won't complete school or university, as much as my lecturers and teachers may have thought it, whereas my cousin, who recently got top grades in school, was told he would be lucky if he completed school. Even my Aspy nurses say everyone is a little on the spectrum, and my old headmaster when I told him, said his wife who knows about these things, believes all men are on the spectrum somewhere.

It also discusses the current trend for every TV show, book, play or other media outlet to have an Aspy character who is super brilliant, can do complex maths in their heads, to play ten instruments and speak as many languages fluently, and to use technology as if it was a part of their own anatomy. Louise Carpenter, the author, feels it is excellent that Aspergers has lost its taboo but equally that it has now swung too far into public perception. I feel like making and handing out capes when I see that sort of portrait of an Aspy. They might as well be able to fly. The number of Aspys with superpowers on par with TV tropes is minimal, the rest of us are just regular humans who experience the world differently. I am appalling at maths, in depth technology puts me to sleep, and while I speak two languages that, like everything in my life, is an accident of birth. I don't have beneficial superpowers that I've traded my ability to socialize for. So I have two problems: I can't make friends and I can't fly.

Lastly it talks about relationship problems. *sigh*. There is significant research stating that a relationship or marriage will fail if a partner (usually male) refuses to get treatment for Aspy behaviour. Aspys can be emotionally distant and cold in a relationship, wanting to please a partner but not knowing how. This links in with my inability to develop friendships beyond a basic level, and the same as I've stated before, goes for relationships. I can be a cold hearted bastard at times, and in work being able to see the end benefit can make me over come some of the heartbreaking choices I'm forced to make. Removing the emotional barrier can be hugely beneficial.

Hey look, I found my superpower.......  

'It never gets better'

Having a job is tough for everybody, I see it in friends and housemates. It is rarely fair, under the current economic umbrella we are being asked to do more on less and I'm sure it stresses everyone out. It is no different for me, but I crave work. It keeps me out of trouble, gives me structure and support, even if the additional support is not provided. It keeps me motivated, and gets me out into the world.

I have been jobless in the past and it has been awful. Days in bed sound great until you are doing them, day in and day out. Then it becomes a mind killer. Aspys often have a patchwork of work history, three weeks here, four months there, with no real common thread or reason behind them. I can guess why, but without having read too much into it in research or having experienced it too much I cannot talk beyond personal experience.

Boy do I have personal experience.

Going back right to my employment history at 16. Ok so I went to school, held summer jobs, but most of my jobs ended after a few months, for various reasons.

I don't want this to be a work blog, what I do, how I do it, with whom and who for, I want this to be an experience job, my road. Equally, work will feature in this blog because, hilariously, it is where I get the most of my human interaction. That is a fact I only realised while thinking about blog posts, what I can post about and what is currently effecting me. So the blog is already helping me?

The title of this post is a comment from a health care professional, and it struck me at the time as I will always have to fight my corner but on reflection may mean that Aspergers never has a 'cure'. It was a farewell comment after a discussion of my last two years, the road I've traveled up until now, the problems and discrimination and lack of understanding I have come up against and how those attitudes have changed with information and education.

Here's hoping things do get better, even if it is not my condition.

the secret to safety

I am lucky, according to the my diagnosis I have a concept of what a friend is, as some Aspys don't know or want friends. However, that is a concept, an abstract, I have some idea of what friends are, but I don't know how to develop them, or what a successful friendship is. I've seen Friends on TV, people I know have friends, hell I have people I consider friends under my slightly restrictive definition: that a friend is some one who has your back, some one who will pull out the stops to rescue you and point out when your Aspy behaviour is out of line. But really at the end of the day, the inner workings of peoples friendships remains a mystery to me at times. Why, and how, have two or more people bonded into a group, and what are they're underlying dynamics and motivations. Ok, that's a bit over simplified, I can mostly see the obvious cues, but still friendship progression remains a mystery and elusive to me.
I find it hard to judge friendship lines, who's being nice and who wants to be a friend. That leads to acute paranoia and over protection of my boundaries. I have a friend who is an Aspy and he hates subtly, and I must admit I'm no real fan either. I can often pick up on subtext but am sometimes left bewildered by undertones in conversation and remain silent when a witty rejoinder is expected, thus alienating people. It is a little bit of a vicious circle. I like things black and white, although I realise that in certain areas judgement and discretion are required. A friend once told me subtly for me is a brick through a window.
This also goes for romance. I have lost count of the relationships that have failed because I lack the imagination or insight to develop them further. A number of girlfriends have left with the damning words of 'we aren't going anywhere'. Up until recently I had no idea what they meant by that. I read something provided by a friend today that gave me insight: (I am unsure of the original source but it is not mine)

As a high functioning Aspie, let me say that your bf’s situation and mine are very similar. I too fear crowds but can get on a stage or large room in front of many people and thrive. I can't stand birthdays and holidays scare me, all the expectations. I crave attention one minute and then want solitude for the next several days.
Aspie’s (or neuro-atypicals (NATs) as I prefer) often hold themselves to an impossibly high standard. When it comes to socialization, this is exactly what I went through. It is difficult for us to form and maintain a circle of friends, and the chronic feelings of failure at not having many friends can lead one to imagine what having lots of friends would be like. I myself was always looking at greener pastures, thinking that maybe the next person would just “get me.” This desire to find the “perfect” friend or girlfriend who won’t require work and who will innately understand all one’s misunderstandings is a powerful one. He may honestly not know what he wants, and his desire to suddenly “change the routine” can be part of his growing and self-assessment process. It IS unfair for him to put you in this place where he needs to both be alone and never be without you, but it is likely a manifestation of his self-doubt. In my case, I romanticized my relationship and figured that if I just had a great girlfriend/wife, everything else wouldn’t matter.
I believe it is more likely that your bf is having significant issues presently, and working at “being normal” could be part of the issue. As long as he sees himself as abnormal, then he will pursue “normalcy” in vain. I work every day, every time I have a conversation, to look people in the eye, smile, hold my hands in an inviting way, not talk over them, listen to what they say. None of it comes naturally. But that is because my brain just works differently. It’s not because I am deficient in some way. I have gone through the unending critical self analysis, and until this year, I did not accept the fact that this is how I was. I thought that I could change myself with enough work, the right friends, the right clothes, the right body, the right image, the right talents (such as music) that would simply attract others to me. Eventually, I figured, I would change my way of thinking. It has taken me most of my life to realize that is not the case, and I should not change myself.
This sucks for you, and in the long run, you will likely need to decide if the work will be worth the reward. For many it is not. He may very well want to be with this girl, and to carry on a relationship with her, especially if this is to be his “friend” and he is attracted to her.
My advice is to talk to him, gently, but directly. Lay out your concerns, and tell him that this is not about him, but about us. He has certain needs, and you have certain needs, and in relationships, both people want to meet the other’s needs, or things don’t work. Your needs now are about commitment. Is he attracted to this girl? Does he think someone else would better understand him? Why does living with you prohibit him from making male friends? Do you infringe upon his social time (NOT games and music, those are escapes and what I would call “self comfort zones” away from the fear of social interaction)?
The key is to tell these things to him gently, without conveying much emotion, or any hint that what he is doing is “wrong” and he should be doing something else. This is about being honest and open, and finding out what is best for both of you. I have seen too many relationships between NATs and NTs (neuro-typicals) go awry because the NAT was unwilling to be honest with him/herself.
I hope you are able to find some solutions, and remember, you have to live with yourself 24 hours a day. Make sure your needs are met. It will help your bf far more in the long run. 

Who ever wrote this knows their stuff and has much more experience then I (I believe it is from another blog) but I think it gives me a valuable glimpse into the road i have to travel and the personal development that lies ahead.

For now I'm signing off, night