Unsure.

This post is sort of two in one, I'm not sure they are directly linked but I feel they link through the fact I find people hard to read, and I find boundaries tough to understand. They are linked because they involve me changing jobs.

I recently mentioned to a colleague who didn't know I was leaving within ear shot of two professionals who where visiting my job. They have various fields and I have interacted with one previously, although one had just met me and only had a snap shot of my work. Both where vocally dismayed that I was leaving, the gent I had only just met very annoyed that I was leaving my current field and he felt it was a loss (boy this makes me sound great, doesn't it?).

My problem, if you will, is that I am unsure as to whether they are being polite or if they will genuinely miss me and believe I am a loss to my professional field. Many people I have come into contact with have wished me well and say that it is a shame I am leaving. Some of the girls do believe my leaving will take away my fairness and kindness, but for two professionals who I would rarely work with to think I am a loss is flattering, but can I take them as genuine? I don't know, I would like to think it was, but I believe it rude and immodest, to enquire further about how great one is from semi-strangers. Praise from Cesar is praise indeed, but solicited praise is no praise at all. The unhelpful answer froma  friend is they where being polite, so I guess that is the intent.

Link to this is I need to go meet my new boss, but I don't know what is appropriate. I am unsure of the boundaries, is it too full on to ask for coffee, or am I too shy if i don't contact him. Luckily I have some advice from a professional support base (who aren't my nurses) and I think I've gauged it right.

Here's hoping......

flick the switch.

The Times magazine ran a piece on Saturday called 'Are you on the spectrum?' It explores various aspects of Aspergers and it's current place in society. It is well worth the read if you can lay your hand on a copy but if you can't it touched on some points that ring true to me.

Firstly it touches on the notion that being an Aspy is a fashion sense now, that it is 'hip' or 'cool' to be quirky and explain it with a diagnosis of Aspy, or as the article puts it: a little Aspy. There is no such thing as 'a little'. Yes the spectrum varies: I am high functioning to the point where I can blend (although not that successfully) into mainstream life and I know people who can't. I for instance have never been told I won't complete school or university, as much as my lecturers and teachers may have thought it, whereas my cousin, who recently got top grades in school, was told he would be lucky if he completed school. Even my Aspy nurses say everyone is a little on the spectrum, and my old headmaster when I told him, said his wife who knows about these things, believes all men are on the spectrum somewhere.

It also discusses the current trend for every TV show, book, play or other media outlet to have an Aspy character who is super brilliant, can do complex maths in their heads, to play ten instruments and speak as many languages fluently, and to use technology as if it was a part of their own anatomy. Louise Carpenter, the author, feels it is excellent that Aspergers has lost its taboo but equally that it has now swung too far into public perception. I feel like making and handing out capes when I see that sort of portrait of an Aspy. They might as well be able to fly. The number of Aspys with superpowers on par with TV tropes is minimal, the rest of us are just regular humans who experience the world differently. I am appalling at maths, in depth technology puts me to sleep, and while I speak two languages that, like everything in my life, is an accident of birth. I don't have beneficial superpowers that I've traded my ability to socialize for. So I have two problems: I can't make friends and I can't fly.

Lastly it talks about relationship problems. *sigh*. There is significant research stating that a relationship or marriage will fail if a partner (usually male) refuses to get treatment for Aspy behaviour. Aspys can be emotionally distant and cold in a relationship, wanting to please a partner but not knowing how. This links in with my inability to develop friendships beyond a basic level, and the same as I've stated before, goes for relationships. I can be a cold hearted bastard at times, and in work being able to see the end benefit can make me over come some of the heartbreaking choices I'm forced to make. Removing the emotional barrier can be hugely beneficial.

Hey look, I found my superpower.......  

'It never gets better'

Having a job is tough for everybody, I see it in friends and housemates. It is rarely fair, under the current economic umbrella we are being asked to do more on less and I'm sure it stresses everyone out. It is no different for me, but I crave work. It keeps me out of trouble, gives me structure and support, even if the additional support is not provided. It keeps me motivated, and gets me out into the world.

I have been jobless in the past and it has been awful. Days in bed sound great until you are doing them, day in and day out. Then it becomes a mind killer. Aspys often have a patchwork of work history, three weeks here, four months there, with no real common thread or reason behind them. I can guess why, but without having read too much into it in research or having experienced it too much I cannot talk beyond personal experience.

Boy do I have personal experience.

Going back right to my employment history at 16. Ok so I went to school, held summer jobs, but most of my jobs ended after a few months, for various reasons.

I don't want this to be a work blog, what I do, how I do it, with whom and who for, I want this to be an experience job, my road. Equally, work will feature in this blog because, hilariously, it is where I get the most of my human interaction. That is a fact I only realised while thinking about blog posts, what I can post about and what is currently effecting me. So the blog is already helping me?

The title of this post is a comment from a health care professional, and it struck me at the time as I will always have to fight my corner but on reflection may mean that Aspergers never has a 'cure'. It was a farewell comment after a discussion of my last two years, the road I've traveled up until now, the problems and discrimination and lack of understanding I have come up against and how those attitudes have changed with information and education.

Here's hoping things do get better, even if it is not my condition.

over coming problems

Sorry for the silence, I've been working and then I've been sick, the joys.

Anyhow I have a long standing gripe to express and examine. I make flippant remarks, and have done for at least two years, but more likely long before that and it was never commented on. It has been described as throw away remarks that people don't know how to respond to and puts them off, or more recently as backhanded remarks that people find off pulling.

I will freely accept that this happens and is most likely a problem, and to what extent it connects to my Aspergers is debatable. Maybe I'm just a sharp tongued dragon who really likes upsetting people. This is possible, but unlikely, as I get upset when people point out this behaviour.

I have a blanket strategy for dealing with Aspy behaviours I display: challenge it, to change it. If people point out the behaviour at the time, they can help me modify my behaviour. If they leave it, and report it to a person in authority, who then calls me on it, I cannot remember the comments and feel at a loss. That is a double edged blade, because I 'get into trouble' or get a talking to for behaviour I cannot control, or am unaware of, and by then it is too late for me to spot the behaviour and to change it. It becomes a punishment talk (although my manager is more then fair) instead of a constructive criticism talk.

Now, I can see how a barbed comment can be intimidating and can stop people from wanting to be confrontational, especially when the original comment may not have been neutral or easily interpreted. I like to think I'm cracking a joke, one that misses its mark. I have, however, described my strategy to my co-workers and encouraged them to use it. My Aspy nurse has come into my work place and spoken to my manager so that there can be a free flow of knowledge of my behaviour and it can be tackled from both sides. I know this makes me sound like an unruly child, but you know what, sometimes that is how things must be tackled.

This makes me think of a number of dynamics in my life. I have to strive and work to overcome my behaviours, and in my view can only benefit from understanding and compassion if I strive to meet everyone half way. There is no escape clause here, where I can sit back and expect the world to pander to me because I'm different, I determined that in London. Society expects conformity to some degree, and with Equality Acts (2010) and other such acts protecting me and my right to work, I have a responsibility to step up and challenge myself to over come my behavioural and social problems.

I did also ponder the reason why I make snarky remarks, and I think it is a defense mechanism as much as anything else. Dyslexics become masters of filibustering,the ability to talk rubbish, tell stories, do anything to prevent exposure of perceived inadequacies. We delay tests, school work, real work, anything we feel incapable of dealing with and know that as soon as we start our faults will be spotted. I find writing hard, laying out my thoughts on paper, organising something into clear opinions. I wonder if my commentary is a defense, to put others on the back foot so that they won't examine me too closely or be too critical of me.

Anyway I need to go to university.

exploration

I know I shouldn't and can't tie everything back to my aspergers, as NT also have weird interests and enjoy strange things, but I sometimes wonder if it is my Aspy that drives some of my interests. I have a love of travel, seeing new places, being overwhelmed by experiences. Most times I enjoy the destination more then the transport, planes are just metal tubes and driving can be exhausting. But TRAINS, now there's some way to travel, speeding past varied landscape, if you book right you can have a table, going backwards (not just because it will save my life if we crash, but because I spend the most of my life going forward it's novel), the infrastructure (Victorian buildings, the fine metal work not dodgy plastic, the solid builds), the peace, the speed. That for me is travel and when I travel it is a fun way to go. So today I went to Loughborough for a day out, and to do so I had to travel by train (that was going to London).

I often ponder what sets me aside from NT. Yes I have an entire report, and yes it is fairly comprehensive to point out exactly what is different. Aspy is so varied that anything can come under its topic, and I know I fall into some of the obvious ones. During my testing I was asked to make a pattern with two colours. I made a regimented coloured shape, knowing full well what it pointed to. Aspys can sometimes not enjoy making eye contact, commentary from one job was I don't make eye contact. Some basics that I fall into.

However, then there's some major differences. Two I know act completely differently to both myself and each other. I spend each day exploring my quirks and differences, and I try not to change them too much, but some I suppress and some I express.

I have also added a new link, please enjoy.