over coming problems

Sorry for the silence, I've been working and then I've been sick, the joys.

Anyhow I have a long standing gripe to express and examine. I make flippant remarks, and have done for at least two years, but more likely long before that and it was never commented on. It has been described as throw away remarks that people don't know how to respond to and puts them off, or more recently as backhanded remarks that people find off pulling.

I will freely accept that this happens and is most likely a problem, and to what extent it connects to my Aspergers is debatable. Maybe I'm just a sharp tongued dragon who really likes upsetting people. This is possible, but unlikely, as I get upset when people point out this behaviour.

I have a blanket strategy for dealing with Aspy behaviours I display: challenge it, to change it. If people point out the behaviour at the time, they can help me modify my behaviour. If they leave it, and report it to a person in authority, who then calls me on it, I cannot remember the comments and feel at a loss. That is a double edged blade, because I 'get into trouble' or get a talking to for behaviour I cannot control, or am unaware of, and by then it is too late for me to spot the behaviour and to change it. It becomes a punishment talk (although my manager is more then fair) instead of a constructive criticism talk.

Now, I can see how a barbed comment can be intimidating and can stop people from wanting to be confrontational, especially when the original comment may not have been neutral or easily interpreted. I like to think I'm cracking a joke, one that misses its mark. I have, however, described my strategy to my co-workers and encouraged them to use it. My Aspy nurse has come into my work place and spoken to my manager so that there can be a free flow of knowledge of my behaviour and it can be tackled from both sides. I know this makes me sound like an unruly child, but you know what, sometimes that is how things must be tackled.

This makes me think of a number of dynamics in my life. I have to strive and work to overcome my behaviours, and in my view can only benefit from understanding and compassion if I strive to meet everyone half way. There is no escape clause here, where I can sit back and expect the world to pander to me because I'm different, I determined that in London. Society expects conformity to some degree, and with Equality Acts (2010) and other such acts protecting me and my right to work, I have a responsibility to step up and challenge myself to over come my behavioural and social problems.

I did also ponder the reason why I make snarky remarks, and I think it is a defense mechanism as much as anything else. Dyslexics become masters of filibustering,the ability to talk rubbish, tell stories, do anything to prevent exposure of perceived inadequacies. We delay tests, school work, real work, anything we feel incapable of dealing with and know that as soon as we start our faults will be spotted. I find writing hard, laying out my thoughts on paper, organising something into clear opinions. I wonder if my commentary is a defense, to put others on the back foot so that they won't examine me too closely or be too critical of me.

Anyway I need to go to university.