Bad days.

We all have them.
I have them, and the girls in work know it's a bad one because I'm quiet, which is a huge change from my screaming and smashing match's.
But I like to think myself mostly adjusted, the people I work with never guess I have Aspergers, never guess I have dyslexia, and when I get asked about my walk I make up an excuse and change the subject. Who needs to know I may or my not have mild CP? I can hold a conversation, and OK my eye contact skills generally focus either on the floor or the middle of their nose (a trick my grandmother taught me when she noted I couldn't maintain eye contact. Clues that we missed eh?) but no one seems to notice that too much.
Then I have bad days, and the girls suddenly notice I'm being surly and my tone has lost all inflection. I'm suddenly the 'bad guy' barking orders and being 'concise' in my dealings with them. I lose all ability to be a regular human with them, and they suddenly are left wondering why the joker and moral officer has burst his own balloon.
The worst part is I don't notice until one mentions it to me, and then I'm stumped. I don't realise I'm doing it, and the girls are at a loss as to why I am acting the way I am. Yes I was open and honest with management, and I don't hide anything from my colleagues, but many of them wouldn't know which way of Aspergers was up. One of them when I explained it to her responded with: 'wow I'd use that all the time to get away with stuff.' That was both unhelpful and not constructive to our dialogue, but I'm sure it was her way of laughing off our 'misunderstanding' (I'm almost sure it was).
While I don't want to focus too much on this idea that it is my 'shield' here, and I have touched on this before, I believe that if I do have the mythical shield, it is my duty to others to meet them half way and work hard at being, at least socially, 'normal'. Yes I am different, yes i like it that way mostly, but that doesn't give me the right to be a jerk and then hide behind my 'I have a nuerobiological disorder' shield when people tell me I am out of line. In fact I shy away from using it as a defence because while true it's also an atom bomb of a trump card, I look great and you look like a bully. Therefore I don't use it, just like we try not to A-bomb each other back to the stone age (or sausage, I forget which came first).
Back to my bad days, I usually have a colleague around I can go whinge to, who will put my life back into perspective and give me something to think about while I cool off. Also a mug of tea, and a few puffs of a pipe don't hurt.
Bad days are few and far between, and my foul humour usually lasts only long enough for a problem to be solved or light to appear at the end of the tunnel. I apologise to those who feel wronged, try to sort my nasty comments from their nasty comments, and make sense of the conversations had, including what subtext I missed, what i might have said to diffuse the situation instead of standing around like a dummy with no reasonable answer to give ('I'm an Aspy, deal with it' and putting on sunglasses doesn't count apparently), or walking away to get out of conflict I don't know how to win.
Yet more I need to work out with my Aspy nurses........