New Cracked.com article

So, I've been reading Cracked articles since about five minutes after I discovered the internet. My friend Charlie sent me a link I'm sure he intended to freak me out with and I simply got engrossed. I love list articles (which I'm sure I've mentioned before, like Listverse).

Their newest list article is about living with Autism. I find it really relatable, except for the sarcasm bit because I use sarcasm regularly to prevent me actually saying nasty things in a nasty fashion. A friend I used to work with said her son hated sarcasm because he really didn't understand it, and I can see why. I often find real praise hard to understand because I can never tell if someone is being genuine or not. 

I suppose I do fall into the charming but not tactful type Hollywood loves, and looking at some of the stats posted about non verbal and low IQ people with autism it is obvious why Hollywood skips the reality and goes for the sugar coated 1%, the ones who seem adorable or sweet in their obsessions and hobbies and can control their screaming melt downs. No one wants to have a comedy or drama ruined by a faeces eating screaming human that many would associate with a horror flick. I guess its hard to portray a rounded character who, without good insight, many " regular people" would find distasteful. Many people with Autism disorder are more difficult to engage with and to build meaningful relationships. They take a more nuanced approach, more unorthodox approach and can have little positive results in return. Often their hobbies and interests aren't the inner workings of speakers, or something that others would consider at least a contribution to humanity, like astrophysics, but more like sheep or colours. 

Even those of us who are higher on the spectrum can have impenetrable hobbies, interests and social lives. With the creation of the internet, nerdom has become cool, mainstream and accepted, at least in the portrayal of Anime, Games conventions and even LARP. On the surface, people now readily accept that Dungeons and Dragons is a game to be enjoyed by all, but when complex math gets involved and we're rolling twenty sided dice and making jokes about 'TEH' (a common internet misspelling of the) it quickly alienates people. If you start waxing lyrical about your level 20 Mage with +69 staff of penetration at a dinner table, you're more likely to get condescending comments. No one needs to know the entire back story to Mrs Marvel, thank you......

The article touches nicely on emotion. I suppose I don't feel much emotion, possibly because I do bottle up what I feel or because, as my partner is currently stipulating, I'm a sociopath (more on that in another post). I do however, get angry. Screaming melt down angry. If the late, rediculously great Sir Terry Pratchett taught me anything (and who didn't learn that Luguage with legs is hilariously funny), it is that anger can be turned into greatness fuel. Stoke your fire with anger and anything is achievable, be it Sir Terry's anger at being told by teachers he'd never write well enough to get published or my own anger engine when I'm told I will never amount to anything. A screaming anger fit can be turned nicely into an hour of rapid productivity. I know that is only me, but still.

As for an autism charity, I've never fulled engaged with the UK one. I guess I don't need their support that much and they have their hands and rescources full trying to help and support those who do need it, so I can't comment on whether or not they view it as a disease to be cured. I know from my own interactions with healthcare there is certainly a focus on helping aspies control more outlandish parts of themselves, as least in public, so that we can fit in. While it might sound a bit eom goth, I think fitting in may not always be what's needed, but it certainly helps streamline the everyday activities of living.

The one thing on the list I haven't touched on is work, because this entire blog seems to stray back to that topic regularly and we don't need to hear more about it now.....

Be safe.     

New shoes.

So I promised a future of shoe shopping. I'm not a fan of shopping in general. In, buy, done, home. Or if I'm feeling really lazy, online, receive parcel, realise it's wrong, lose it, find it, send it back, receive refund, go to store.

The recent change in my foot size, due to the orthotics, has meant that I've needed both new work and casual shoes. Previously, shoes have lasted about a month, as I toe strike rather than heel strike, taking the toe out and letting everything in. This has meant that cheap, non brand running shoes where my best buy, meaning that my outgoing on shoes was balanced with how often I had to replace shoes.

So on Thursday I went decent shoe shopping. My manager recommended Dr Martens for work. I duly went to my local outlet and got some of the best customer service. The sales assistant was patient, understanding, sympathetic and sensitive. She got me four or five pairs of shoes and boots. Due to my Poland syndrome (and I'm using my common sense and experience here because it hasn't been said by a health care professional) my right foot is slightly smaller than my left (my Polands manifests on my right), thus adding to my shoe difficultly. The sales assistant picked the perfect shoes, and they fit excellently. They came today and I'm going to start wearing them tomorrow, with my orthotics.

For years I've had my eye on a pair of crimson runners. I found them in a local shoe shop and they too fit perfectly. I've avoided buying these shoes because of the expense and the longevity I would have with them. I decided to treat myself, hoping my new corrected walk would tackle my toe strike (it is) and therefore I might get more out of them.

I have a thing for boots (who's giggling?). I have a favourite pair of oxblood boots, pictured below, and I'm going to hope they fit with orthotics. I've had them repaired with expensive carbon rubber toes to try and get more out of them. Here's hoping the orthotics do that job. In my misguided youth I wore shin high boots (rocky type ones), and I did wonder out loud during my shopping spree (it counts as a spree, I bought a suit too) if my boots had helped either hide or support my tone less muscles.

Meanwhile, boot shopping may be off the menu.

Mini freak outs

So, I may have previously said I don't suffer meltdowns as they are typically pictured that aspies have, generally over what might be seen as minor or insignificant things. Turns out, I might have been lying about that without realising it, which makes it a lie of omission and as we all know the sin of omission isn't the worst (*nods vigorously*).

I had what I consider in hindsight to be a well controlled melt down in work. In the most basic sense I lost my temper when another department decided to do something out of order (as in list order) and didn't warn me. I had dutifully walked down to the other department to finalise some business and found that the paperwork in question was now on my desk, delaying me and knocking my tight schedule. I may have at this point felt the fire I usually get in my arms and legs when I feel my choler rising, kept back up the stairs two at a time, and enjoyed a half hours tunnel visit and gritted teethed grumbling. 

I can cope with changes to orders, I generally anticipate change and try to take the long view but some times, occasionally, I won't be given a quick heads up when there's a change (how hard is it to give two minutes notice?) and it messes with my hour plan. In that I need to adapt and change, something I consider myself fairly decent at, but for five minutes it is best to let me reorder my head and not try to interrupt my new game plan.

This realisation explains a number of things. It explains why yesterday I had an attack of creeping paranoia, why I felt drained after work, and why I ended up coming home and sleeping the afternoon away (the fact that I've had a sleepless night has nothing to do with that, I'm sure). I also clearly didn't reorder my head properly as work called me back to complete a task I had left. Walked back to work and sorted that (fortunately I hadn't taken my legs off, so it wasn't hassle). 

I think that every day is a lesson, whether you realise it or not. Lesson from today is one I should learn repeatedly, and that is to double check my work before going off shift. I isn't always easy, one of the girls hugged me before she left and said I looked grumpy, which is fair as I was annoyed at myself for snapping at a member of the afternoon team. I did apologise and the girls are understanding. Double checking can be a pain but it means that if my head is not fully ordered, I am at least ensuring that nothing is missed, even if it takes a little longer to get away.

My final realisation is something I really hadn't thought about. I ran up stairs in my new legs. I took two steps at a time even, without thinking, tripping or falling. Ok, so I was out of puff after two flights but still. At the moment I'm about as graceful as a baby deer on ice going down stairs, with handrails being the greatest invention ever and until to day I felt like a Dalek approaching stairs when ascending was required (yeah yeah, convenient plot device, they can fly now), with plenty of tripping and swearing (quietly).

I guess you lean something new every day.....

The creep

DI'm sure I've at least touched on paranoia and second guessing before (in a post titled "paranoia" as it so happens). I often think I'm bobbling along ok, minding my Ps and Qs, and then I'll make the mistake of asking a colleague how I'm getting along and be told that others worry about me and sometimes don't know how to take me.

I don't usually run paranoid, but on days like this I can't help but feel that maybe I should quit my current job and become a librarian. I know that sounds strange but do I have to explain to books about me? No, books understand me and just want to be read. It's national book month, can you tell?

I found this video that might explain things.

Strongest condemnation.

So apparently an atheist shot three young Muslims in America.

I'm lost for words.

This blog doesn't usually deal with religion beyond my own belief.

I've no doubt that the accused, mainly because he is innocent until proven guilty, is an atheist.

He just missed that atheism is not about violence, not even in mirror of religious fundamentalism. Atheism is the use of reason and knowledge to better ourselves, in the face of myth and legend.

I'm horrified. He's set back any progress made by atheists to be seen as equals and as members of society.

Atheism should be the voice of reason. It should point to reality and explain why myths, both religious and otherwise, are flawed. Why a global flood is not supported by the fossil record, why the universe is not geocentric and why the stars are not hung on a cloak thrown over the earth at night. Atheism should promote the advancement of humanity, by driving secular law and equality, and by pushing technology growth (until AI becomes self aware and wipes us out).

Atheism should also be about protecting others right to freedom of speech and religion. Everyone has the right to practice any religion as long as it does not affect anyone else. You can worship whomsoever you wish in any reasonable manner, and you should be protected and allowed to do it without hassle.

Freedom of speech is a core pillar of western society. It let's us say whatever we like and be protected. This idea has been tested recently with the Paris attacks and the Pope's comments following those attacks. Murder and terrorism is not freedom of speech, ever. Limiting freedom of speech because it hurts someone's precious religious beliefs is also rubbish. We all have the right to believe whatever we want, and have the pleasure of being mocked for it. Tell me you're going to burn a Richard Dawkins book and watch me find you matches.

To quote Christopher Hichtens, that that can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence.

Some people I've seen commenting on this are asking why this is not being labeled as a terrorist attack rather than a lone nut as it would be with a Muslim attack. It's a lone nut, just like every Muslim "terror" attack. Anyone who feels murder is a decent response is mentally unstable, the word nut is a byword for crazy.

I know good religious followers and bad ones. I know good atheists, and bad atheists. Humanity is flawed, and it is our humanity that unites us.

Murder is never right, or just or good. RIP to the victims.

Orthotics review.

So, with everyone jumping on the vaccines cause autism bandwagon again, I am trying to compose a thoughtful and fact checked post about it, you know, to jump all over that bandwagon until the cymbals fall off.

In the mean time, I managed to bag me a review of lefty (why can't it be more like righty, that's snug and not wearing a hole in my ankle?) this morning. The orthotasit (?) was really patient. She took a long look, and sent lefty off for melting into a more pleasing shape.

To stop my ankle joint eating my trousers, apparently socks should be worn outside my orthotics. I'm not cool enough for that, so I'll have to just keep an eye on my ankle biters.

Equally to prevent sweaty legs (it's very sexy) the long sock, recommended by Robb Brydon on Qi, to help soak up sweat.

A fellow patient told me they put a sock right up over the top of the orthotic to prevent chaffing.

The department took my strap pad measurements so when they wear out, they can post me more.

Looks like I'm in for some fun experimenting.

Better get researching.

The rub.

So, it's been just over a week since I got fitted for the orthotics. I've been warned to watch for redness that doesn't fade.

I've noticed blanching redness under my ankle bone on my left foot. Now, full disclosure, I've probably been wearing them a bit more than I should be. It looked like it was blistering today but it seems to have gone back to angry red.

I grabbed some silicone strips and tried to protect my foot but it didn't last and I ended up taking them off halfway through my (14 hour) shift. I thankfully haven't thrown away any old shoes yet, so I was able to plod along in my old shoes without damaging the new ones.

Pressure sores are very much what they sound like, also known as bed sores. They are generally associated with the elderly due to reduced mobility. However reduced mobility can happen to anyone, from spinal injuries to anyone who spends too long on a theatre table. In my case, it's sheer force and pressure from the orthotics. While there are many different tools to help alleviate pressure, like those mattresses or cushions, or the silicon I grabbed in work, the best way to deal with pressure damage is to remove the pressure. People get walked and stood or turned to take the pressure away and I think that'll have to be my tactic over the next few days.

I'm going to minimise my use of my legs over the next few days and ring the department on Monday and have a review.

Goodnight.