I know I shouldn't and can't tie everything back to my aspergers, as NT also have weird interests and enjoy strange things, but I sometimes wonder if it is my Aspy that drives some of my interests. I have a love of travel, seeing new places, being overwhelmed by experiences. Most times I enjoy the destination more then the transport, planes are just metal tubes and driving can be exhausting. But TRAINS, now there's some way to travel, speeding past varied landscape, if you book right you can have a table, going backwards (not just because it will save my life if we crash, but because I spend the most of my life going forward it's novel), the infrastructure (Victorian buildings, the fine metal work not dodgy plastic, the solid builds), the peace, the speed. That for me is travel and when I travel it is a fun way to go. So today I went to Loughborough for a day out, and to do so I had to travel by train (that was going to London).
I often ponder what sets me aside from NT. Yes I have an entire report, and yes it is fairly comprehensive to point out exactly what is different. Aspy is so varied that anything can come under its topic, and I know I fall into some of the obvious ones. During my testing I was asked to make a pattern with two colours. I made a regimented coloured shape, knowing full well what it pointed to. Aspys can sometimes not enjoy making eye contact, commentary from one job was I don't make eye contact. Some basics that I fall into.
However, then there's some major differences. Two I know act completely differently to both myself and each other. I spend each day exploring my quirks and differences, and I try not to change them too much, but some I suppress and some I express.
I have also added a new link, please enjoy.
Thursday, 31 January 2013
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
the secret to safety
I am lucky, according to the my diagnosis I have a concept of what a friend is, as some Aspys don't know or want friends. However, that is a concept, an abstract, I have some idea of what friends are, but I don't know how to develop them, or what a successful friendship is. I've seen Friends on TV, people I know have friends, hell I have people I consider friends under my slightly restrictive definition: that a friend is some one who has your back, some one who will pull out the stops to rescue you and point out when your Aspy behaviour is out of line. But really at the end of the day, the inner workings of peoples friendships remains a mystery to me at times. Why, and how, have two or more people bonded into a group, and what are they're underlying dynamics and motivations. Ok, that's a bit over simplified, I can mostly see the obvious cues, but still friendship progression remains a mystery and elusive to me.
I find it hard to judge friendship lines, who's being nice and who wants to be a friend. That leads to acute paranoia and over protection of my boundaries. I have a friend who is an Aspy and he hates subtly, and I must admit I'm no real fan either. I can often pick up on subtext but am sometimes left bewildered by undertones in conversation and remain silent when a witty rejoinder is expected, thus alienating people. It is a little bit of a vicious circle. I like things black and white, although I realise that in certain areas judgement and discretion are required. A friend once told me subtly for me is a brick through a window.
This also goes for romance. I have lost count of the relationships that have failed because I lack the imagination or insight to develop them further. A number of girlfriends have left with the damning words of 'we aren't going anywhere'. Up until recently I had no idea what they meant by that. I read something provided by a friend today that gave me insight: (I am unsure of the original source but it is not mine)
As a high functioning Aspie, let me say that your bf’s situation and mine are very similar. I too fear crowds but can get on a stage or large room in front of many people and thrive. I can't stand birthdays and holidays scare me, all the expectations. I crave attention one minute and then want solitude for the next several days.
Aspie’s (or neuro-atypicals (NATs) as I prefer) often hold themselves to an impossibly high standard. When it comes to socialization, this is exactly what I went through. It is difficult for us to form and maintain a circle of friends, and the chronic feelings of failure at not having many friends can lead one to imagine what having lots of friends would be like. I myself was always looking at greener pastures, thinking that maybe the next person would just “get me.” This desire to find the “perfect” friend or girlfriend who won’t require work and who will innately understand all one’s misunderstandings is a powerful one. He may honestly not know what he wants, and his desire to suddenly “change the routine” can be part of his growing and self-assessment process. It IS unfair for him to put you in this place where he needs to both be alone and never be without you, but it is likely a manifestation of his self-doubt. In my case, I romanticized my relationship and figured that if I just had a great girlfriend/wife, everything else wouldn’t matter.
I believe it is more likely that your bf is having significant issues presently, and working at “being normal” could be part of the issue. As long as he sees himself as abnormal, then he will pursue “normalcy” in vain. I work every day, every time I have a conversation, to look people in the eye, smile, hold my hands in an inviting way, not talk over them, listen to what they say. None of it comes naturally. But that is because my brain just works differently. It’s not because I am deficient in some way. I have gone through the unending critical self analysis, and until this year, I did not accept the fact that this is how I was. I thought that I could change myself with enough work, the right friends, the right clothes, the right body, the right image, the right talents (such as music) that would simply attract others to me. Eventually, I figured, I would change my way of thinking. It has taken me most of my life to realize that is not the case, and I should not change myself.
This sucks for you, and in the long run, you will likely need to decide if the work will be worth the reward. For many it is not. He may very well want to be with this girl, and to carry on a relationship with her, especially if this is to be his “friend” and he is attracted to her.
My advice is to talk to him, gently, but directly. Lay out your concerns, and tell him that this is not about him, but about us. He has certain needs, and you have certain needs, and in relationships, both people want to meet the other’s needs, or things don’t work. Your needs now are about commitment. Is he attracted to this girl? Does he think someone else would better understand him? Why does living with you prohibit him from making male friends? Do you infringe upon his social time (NOT games and music, those are escapes and what I would call “self comfort zones” away from the fear of social interaction)?
The key is to tell these things to him gently, without conveying much emotion, or any hint that what he is doing is “wrong” and he should be doing something else. This is about being honest and open, and finding out what is best for both of you. I have seen too many relationships between NATs and NTs (neuro-typicals) go awry because the NAT was unwilling to be honest with him/herself.
I hope you are able to find some solutions, and remember, you have to live with yourself 24 hours a day. Make sure your needs are met. It will help your bf far more in the long run.
Who ever wrote this knows their stuff and has much more experience then I (I believe it is from another blog) but I think it gives me a valuable glimpse into the road i have to travel and the personal development that lies ahead.
For now I'm signing off, night
I find it hard to judge friendship lines, who's being nice and who wants to be a friend. That leads to acute paranoia and over protection of my boundaries. I have a friend who is an Aspy and he hates subtly, and I must admit I'm no real fan either. I can often pick up on subtext but am sometimes left bewildered by undertones in conversation and remain silent when a witty rejoinder is expected, thus alienating people. It is a little bit of a vicious circle. I like things black and white, although I realise that in certain areas judgement and discretion are required. A friend once told me subtly for me is a brick through a window.
This also goes for romance. I have lost count of the relationships that have failed because I lack the imagination or insight to develop them further. A number of girlfriends have left with the damning words of 'we aren't going anywhere'. Up until recently I had no idea what they meant by that. I read something provided by a friend today that gave me insight: (I am unsure of the original source but it is not mine)
As a high functioning Aspie, let me say that your bf’s situation and mine are very similar. I too fear crowds but can get on a stage or large room in front of many people and thrive. I can't stand birthdays and holidays scare me, all the expectations. I crave attention one minute and then want solitude for the next several days.
Aspie’s (or neuro-atypicals (NATs) as I prefer) often hold themselves to an impossibly high standard. When it comes to socialization, this is exactly what I went through. It is difficult for us to form and maintain a circle of friends, and the chronic feelings of failure at not having many friends can lead one to imagine what having lots of friends would be like. I myself was always looking at greener pastures, thinking that maybe the next person would just “get me.” This desire to find the “perfect” friend or girlfriend who won’t require work and who will innately understand all one’s misunderstandings is a powerful one. He may honestly not know what he wants, and his desire to suddenly “change the routine” can be part of his growing and self-assessment process. It IS unfair for him to put you in this place where he needs to both be alone and never be without you, but it is likely a manifestation of his self-doubt. In my case, I romanticized my relationship and figured that if I just had a great girlfriend/wife, everything else wouldn’t matter.
I believe it is more likely that your bf is having significant issues presently, and working at “being normal” could be part of the issue. As long as he sees himself as abnormal, then he will pursue “normalcy” in vain. I work every day, every time I have a conversation, to look people in the eye, smile, hold my hands in an inviting way, not talk over them, listen to what they say. None of it comes naturally. But that is because my brain just works differently. It’s not because I am deficient in some way. I have gone through the unending critical self analysis, and until this year, I did not accept the fact that this is how I was. I thought that I could change myself with enough work, the right friends, the right clothes, the right body, the right image, the right talents (such as music) that would simply attract others to me. Eventually, I figured, I would change my way of thinking. It has taken me most of my life to realize that is not the case, and I should not change myself.
This sucks for you, and in the long run, you will likely need to decide if the work will be worth the reward. For many it is not. He may very well want to be with this girl, and to carry on a relationship with her, especially if this is to be his “friend” and he is attracted to her.
My advice is to talk to him, gently, but directly. Lay out your concerns, and tell him that this is not about him, but about us. He has certain needs, and you have certain needs, and in relationships, both people want to meet the other’s needs, or things don’t work. Your needs now are about commitment. Is he attracted to this girl? Does he think someone else would better understand him? Why does living with you prohibit him from making male friends? Do you infringe upon his social time (NOT games and music, those are escapes and what I would call “self comfort zones” away from the fear of social interaction)?
The key is to tell these things to him gently, without conveying much emotion, or any hint that what he is doing is “wrong” and he should be doing something else. This is about being honest and open, and finding out what is best for both of you. I have seen too many relationships between NATs and NTs (neuro-typicals) go awry because the NAT was unwilling to be honest with him/herself.
I hope you are able to find some solutions, and remember, you have to live with yourself 24 hours a day. Make sure your needs are met. It will help your bf far more in the long run.
Who ever wrote this knows their stuff and has much more experience then I (I believe it is from another blog) but I think it gives me a valuable glimpse into the road i have to travel and the personal development that lies ahead.
For now I'm signing off, night
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
new beginnings.
My name is Paul, and I am 29. In 2011 I had a Dyslexia re assessment after a problem in a job and it threw up an odd Empathy Quotient score. I followed the advice of the Educational Phsycologist and chased out my scores and had an Aspergers assessment. In early 2012 I was diagnosed Aspergers after three tests and much discussion. A year later I am still only learning my way forward, and a new challenge faces me too.
I hope to use this blog for an number of reasons, mostly as therapy but also to share what I learn with others. I haven't looked but I would bet there are a million blogs and as many websites with advice and knowledge far beyond mine. However, I believe that another candle in the dark is still more light, and even just one person reads this blog, contributes or learns from it, then mission accomplished. First a little fairy story.
London has always changed my life. When I moved there when I was nine the school I moved to quickly picked up on something the schools in my home country had not picked up on, that I was dyslexic. My parents, then as now, where very supportive and poured money and time and effort into my education and special needs help. Quickly I grew and developed. For ten years, even after I moved home, I had this support.
Then I went to uni, and being 18 and stupid I cut the support. In hindsight this was a mistake.
I went back to London in 2011 for a job. It went wrong, how and why I won't say, but with a loan from a friend I organised the aforementioned test.
I moved, with my last money to Nottingham, and crashed on a friends sofa. I found a job to cover bills, and we moved into somewhere better. In 2012 I got my diagnosis, and the support swung into place. Now I have a new job, my dream job, and this time I am going in prepared.
Now I have seen neurologists about possible mild cerebral palsy, and the journey starts anew.
A new lady in my life has suggested I start this blog, I hope it helps.
Please comment, share and suggest, I will try to be educational and informative as well as funny and heartfeeling.
I hope to use this blog for an number of reasons, mostly as therapy but also to share what I learn with others. I haven't looked but I would bet there are a million blogs and as many websites with advice and knowledge far beyond mine. However, I believe that another candle in the dark is still more light, and even just one person reads this blog, contributes or learns from it, then mission accomplished. First a little fairy story.
London has always changed my life. When I moved there when I was nine the school I moved to quickly picked up on something the schools in my home country had not picked up on, that I was dyslexic. My parents, then as now, where very supportive and poured money and time and effort into my education and special needs help. Quickly I grew and developed. For ten years, even after I moved home, I had this support.
Then I went to uni, and being 18 and stupid I cut the support. In hindsight this was a mistake.
I went back to London in 2011 for a job. It went wrong, how and why I won't say, but with a loan from a friend I organised the aforementioned test.
I moved, with my last money to Nottingham, and crashed on a friends sofa. I found a job to cover bills, and we moved into somewhere better. In 2012 I got my diagnosis, and the support swung into place. Now I have a new job, my dream job, and this time I am going in prepared.
Now I have seen neurologists about possible mild cerebral palsy, and the journey starts anew.
A new lady in my life has suggested I start this blog, I hope it helps.
Please comment, share and suggest, I will try to be educational and informative as well as funny and heartfeeling.
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